Early Retirement

So, yesterday was my father-in-law's last day of a 30-year stint at Delphi in Kokomo. He got a badge holder, and they took away his badge...so WHAT is the point of the badge holder? Anyway, it's gotten me thinking. He said tonight that going through it seemed so long, but now that it is over, it seems like just yesterday when he began. I can see that the more I get older. In 7th grade, the school year lasted forever. Now I can blink and it's Christmas again. Then I get my Christmas props put away, and it's time to pack up for the summer. Every Sunday night, I think, "I just don't even want to go back..." I know I would miss the kids and I would miss a few colleagues, but for the most part, I could handle it. I used to say that I could NEVER be a stay-at-home mom because it would drive me up the wall. I have to admit, though, it's starting to look better and better. I wish I had a gob with some flexibility, where I could set my own hours, make time for my kids - to go on a field trip, take them to school and not send them off for someone else to do that, pick them up for school and be able to be the FIRST one to ask them how their days were, not have to leave for work before the sun has even begun to wipe the sleep from its eyes....I really think what is best for me is a job with flexibility. I want so badly to be full time at the church. I never would have thought that in college or in high school. When I was asked, I wanted to teach high school choir. That was always my thought. Never second-guessed it. Now that I really cannot do that because of my family life, the one thing that gives me the greatest joy is working in the music ministry at my church. I know I can't quit my teaching job, or I would certainly by dooming my family for bankrupcy within about 2 months.

I just don't want to look back at the end of 30 years and with my badge holder and say, "I wish I could have done more with my kids and been more active with them" or "It went by so quickly....I should have been able to do this or do that...for Chad or for the boys..."

With the way the schools are headed in Indiana, I don't see that I could stay sane and do this for another 20+ years.

Sunday night, I'll go to bed thinking I'd rather be able to wake up with my boys in the morning and get them a nice breakfast and clean the house and take my own kids to school and...and Friday afternoon, I'll say, "Is it Friday ALREADY?"

So anyway, I think I want to retire from teaching early...say like 20 years early. I really hope God opens the doors for me to be able to do that. I used to think I needed to do that to fulfill what I NEEDED to be. Now I think I need to do things that will allow me to be a part of what my family NEEDS to be instead. I'm not so sure that working for a public school is it. I know I have to make money. It's just a little discouraging when 1/2 of the income goes DIRECTLY to babysitters....it makes me feel like maybe we COULD do it if I didn't work...I mean, after all 1/2 is out the door from the beginning.

I know this was rambling on and very unorganized in thought...it is just something that has been weighing heavily on me for about 6 or 7 months.

God, give me Your direction. Open doors that are okay for me to walk through. Help me not to lose sight of Your will for me and my family. If I have already, please show me that I am wrong to feel this way. God, I need to feel secure, and I need to know that I am doing what is best for my little guys. Show me the way. Show me how to juggle everything in my current situation and not drop the ball for them. I want to know You more. Renew my passion for teaching, if that is where You want me to be. Thank You for Your faithfulness. God, I love You. Amen.