deep breath

Ok...my last post was dark, I know. I've gotten several emails checking in. Here's my standard answer: I KNOW in my HEAD that I'm going to be okay because my Father promises...I just don't always know how to tell my HEART that little tidbit of information.

4 weeks ago tonight was the last time I saw him breathing. So yeah, it's tough.

I just keep plugging away....pushing it back out of my mind until I can no longer hold it. Then I let it out. Unfortunately for you all, I've always been one to get the negatives out by putting them in to words. That's where this blog has been helpful - but probably scary from the reader's standpoint.

I'm not suicidal. I'm not cursing God. I'm not abandoning my life or my family. I'm coping. I'm doing that the best I know how. Some days I succeed and some days I fail. It's a process....and unfortunately for me, it's a process I'm fighting within my self with every breath. So that makes some moments harder than others.

I know what the right answers are. I've said that before. I know that I need to rely on God and my family and my friends. I know I have to stay active. I know I need to grieve. I know I need to blah blah blah....There's only one thing that I can do consistently and successfully right now.

I just breathe.