Strange

While I was teaching yesterday, my classroom door was open. I'm on the end of the building (they tend to keep the noisy ones away from others), so I usually leave the door open unless it's lunch time because the noise from the cafeteria and my classroom tend to compete if the door isn't shut. I was teaching fourth grade, and I glanced up because something caught my eye by the door. I was so sure. I saw my dad. He was walking by with his white t-shirt that had some baseball reference and the big scripted word "Sacrifice" across the front. That split second was more than wonderful. I had that urge to call out to him and call him back in the room. And then in that flash of a moment, it all fell apart. The flood of reality came crashing back in. So this makes the 3rd time something like this has happened.

I saw him standing in line at the viewing, waiting to see himself, apparently.

Last Saturday, I was relaxing in the sand. Gabriel and Chad were trying to doze in the sun. The other boys were off playing with Tony and LuAnn, Chad's parents. My eyes were shut. My head tilted back against the chair. I was trying to doze off myself when I heard Dad off to my left. But it wasn't him. He was talking...but no, he wasn't.

A friend at church had told me she sees her dad (who died when I was a little girl) walking down the streets of Greentown....or in the grocery store.

I hate these tricks my mind plays. It makes the devastation that he's gone choke me.

This week at school is grandparent's week, as if one day wouldn't have been bad enough. My schedule actually managed to avoid the times with the grade levels involved (all but tomorrow morning for about one hour). But today...I had a hard time. I was walking back from another classroom getting ready for my fourth grade Music class when I saw another teacher come out from around a corner calling out that we needed the nurse and someone to call 911. Apparently, a grandfather (with a very recent history of 2 open heart surgeries and a few heart attacks) had gone down, bashing a hole in to the wall about the size of a grapefruit. With the fall came lots of blood. This teacher was followed by the grandson, a third grader, crying hysterically for his grandparent. The images of these visitors in the hallways have stirred up several emotions already....When does Luke have to deal with this? Will he be able to keep his mind off of Dad or will it be a horrible day for him? Dad only got to go to one for Luke. He'll never go to Drew and Evan's grandparents day (other than the one at preschool last year). Gabriel didn't even get a chance....but seeing Erik cry. It mortified me. I wanted to fix it so badly for him. I saw Luke standing there in front of the casket all over again. I heard his cries with each of Erik's sobs. It was horrible.

I know all my posts are so dark....I don't mean them to be. But I do feel better after it's "out" - so I guess for now, please bear with me.