Breakthrough

We had a great weekend away camping. I can't believe I used the words "great" and "camping" in the same sentence....but I did. It wasn't without it's ups and downs, however. But as strange as this may seem I had some good "Downs."

I started the weekend not feeling too well. So I was slightly cranky...regardless of what Chad would say, I emphasize the word slightly. When we arrived after the two hour drive to Indiana Dunes State Park, we checked in and began setting up the camp. We haven't been able to delve in to the world of pop-up (or better) so the tent has to do. We began all the tasks of unloading, instructing children, setting up tents, etc. I remember wanting to sleep. That night when we got the kids ready for bed, I didn't join the others at the fire. I actually went to sleep. That was the best night of the three I had as far as sleep went. I didn't wake up at all. The air wasn't damp (as it would be the next two nights - thus my cold now). The air was crisp and cool. Under three blankets and two layers of clothing it was just right. We all pretty much crashed that night. The next day brought the sand dunes, the breaking of my flip flops....and general crankiness. I was truly stressed because of the flip flop. What would I wear in the shower????? Luckily, before I headed to the outlet mall the next day, I borrowed one from Betsy. Yes, that's right. I said outlet mall. We graced those stores with our presence - all six of us - on Sunday.

I won't bore you with every last detail of our agenda, but I'll highlight the weekend with the fact that...
a. Luke made a friend named Josh who will be emailing back and forth. Luke's excited. Josh was 6 years old and about 20 pounds bigger than our biggest!! That's impressive considering Luke's pretty tall and big for his age. They hit it off well.
b. I had to chase down a thief. Evan's bike was stolen. Turns out that the boy had a bike just like Evan and Drew's bikes - except ours don't have kick stands...and that was the determining factor in the alleged theft.
c. Gabriel walked off the first night, but luckily we had bought all the kids LED headlights for their heads, and it was easy to see a 2.5 foot bobbing light across the campground....thanks to Michelle, also from our church, for scooping him up.
d. Drew was lost....oh, let's see...about a million times. He kept getting turned around...poor guy. Got my sense of direction! Once, some kind gentleman returned a bawling 5 year old to us asking if he was our son.
e. Camp showers with four boys in tow...an interesting and lengthy process. One that will have the people waiting on you outside the stalls laughing at you.
f. Sunday morning service...well, it deserves more than a highlight. Here goes.

Since I coordinate music for church, it was natural that the coordinator of this camping trip would ask Chad and I to coordinate/lead/prepare the worship time on Sunday morning. I chose two kid friendly songs (Trading My Sorrows, My Redeemer Lives) and two other very familiar songs (The Wonderful Cross, You Are My King) for the beginning of the service. I knew when I received my agenda for the camping weekend earlier in the week that God was going to do some heartstring tugging....the theme was James 1:12...persevering through trials. I even knew some of the people going, so when I heard they were opening the main part of the service for testimonies, I knew some of the stories I might hear. I have to admit that singing the four songs at the beginning, I was really thinking to myself that I wanted to keep level headed that morning. I was sitting behind the main "speakers" just by sheer positioning. It didn't take long. The first testimony I was okay through. The next two? Both about cancer....one was a cancer survivor, and the other was about a family member who was battling cancer right now.

I have to pause to tell you that on Saturday, I spent about 3 hours reading (total) the Bible. I started to read some in Isaiah before reading all of James, some of Psalms, and much of Genesis. (I've decided I want to read the Bible in a year...) In Isaiah, I read the 40th chapter. I have used the Message for a long time. I love the ease of reading it. As I read, I came across the end of the chapter when the author asked why we complain saying God has lost track of us. It hit me square between the eyes on Saturday afternoon. I KNOW, as I've said before, what to say. I KNOW the right answers, but making my heart feel the same is a task I've battled since my dad got sick. I've got to admit, I've felt a little like God had lost track of me. After all, I had prayed...I have believed...I have trusted...but I didn't "get" what I wanted. (And I totally know that's not what prayer is about...but again, we're dealing with emotions here. Not reality or logic or knowledge.) I literally stopped before reading on, thinking how that is REALLY what I was feeling. The passage went on to say something along these lines: Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God LASTS. Again, none of these words were knew concepts to me. But somehow it all connected.

I can't help but think about how my father lost his mom when I was one year old. I imagine he dealt with the same emotions I deal with. Will my kids remember their grandparent? What about the times when I need to ask a question? What will life be like without? Who will help when...? Why did this have to....?

I also can't help but believe that my dad's prayers were similar to what I pray now. God, help me to follow in the footsteps of my wonderful parent. Reunite me. Help me feel peace and comfort. Give me joy again...

And then I thought, after reading, that God didn't come and go on Dad. He lasted. And at the end of Dad's life, Dad got the answers to those prayers. He sees his mother like it was just moments ago that he lost her. He understands real joy and peace and comfort.

Just like Dad's God lasted for him, the SAME God that I trust and have for a very long time, will LAST for me....and for my boys....

Suddenly, sitting there in that camp ground listening to Susie tell her cancer story, wondering why she survived and Dad didn't....being asked by Matt if we believe in answered prayers and (for a split second) cringing inside before my head put my heart in its place and answered "yes" - sitting there among all those people, feeling all those emotions, I felt God start tugging. I can't remember feeling so LED to give a testimony. I had been blubbering for quite some time. Partly at what I was hearing, and mostly because of the inner battle going on. I was a mess. Here's how it went.

Me: Come on, God. Not now. I can't bare myself like this. Not now. I've done so well starting to build the walls that I've been working on for the last two months.

God: You need to let go of these words. I might just use them in someone's life. And I think it will be good for you.

Me: No one needs to hear from me. My battle isn't over. The theme of this meeting is succeeding after a long trial. This trial is just beginning.

God: Trust me.

Me: I want to, but it hurts. I hurt.

God: Michelle, trust me.

Me: I am trying to. I just don't want to be embarrassed...opened...

God: TRUST me.

I battled long enough that the time for testimonies closed. I was somewhat relieved. I took it as a brief sign that all of this was just in my head, and I didn't need to say anything. It was almost time for the closing song.

The closing song?!?! WHAT? I had totally forgotten. With tears still streaming and a clenched throat, I knew I couldn't sing. Chad asked me if I could, and too proud to admit it, I said that I could. After all, I had a few more minutes to gain composure.

It didn't take much longer before I remembered my dad walking forward just two or three Sundays before he had the first stroke and asking that God's Will be done in his life...even through the excruciating back pain he was going through. I talked with him afterward. He said that when God tells you to speak, you do it.

AUGH!!!!

So instead of starting the last song, "Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone," I looked at a friend and announced that I was too emotional to sing the last song and asked if he would do it. Right in front of everyone. He agreed, of course. And before he did, I bared my soul to 70 + people of my community. I laid it all out. I told them I felt God was asking me to speak. I told them of the battle of KNOWING what I'm supposed to feel and actually feeling it. I told them of the passage in Isaiah, read it to them, and actually went through each thought it invoked.

I remember not being able to look at anyone because they were all crying, too. Grown men and women, teenagers....many of them emotional. I just starred at the trees. The leaves were gently rustling in the warming breeze. If the people there took away anything among the open sobs and heart wrenching breakthrough I was experiencing in front of them all, I hope that they took away that GOD LASTS.

God, thank You for speaking through Your Word and through my father and through those testimonies this weekend. I want more than anything to please You. Along the way, if You see fit to use me to reach others, I would be humbled and honored. God, thank You for breaking me down (again) and allowing some of the rebuilding to take place. You ARE good all the time. Amen.