No Words

I have no words for today....well, apparently that is a lie. 'Cause here I am, about to put a couple hundred here, trying to describe it all.

It started pretty well. Normal, almost. After getting ready to go to school and actually leaving within 5 minutes of the desired departure time (truly amazing after getting 4 kids up and ready to go), I drove to the babysitter's feeling a little empty. I never really knew what that meant when someone said it. Today, it all came together for me. I sat numbly driving to her house while Gabriel's mantra of "I miss Pappaw" began. He only does this when his brothers have said it or cried about it or he is really tired. He must have been tired because I don't remember any of the boys speaking of Dad this morning. Don't get me wrong, Gabriel was not crying as the chant began. It was a very matter-of-fact tone he used. Almost without feeling. Almost like he was just talking to be talking. Before I realized it, I was pulling in to her driveway when I finally remembered that he will repeat himself until you just acknowlege it. So I quietly matched his tone and said, "Me too, buddy." That's how it began for me.

I got to school, got busy. Things began to seem almost normal again. I went about my breakfast duty without any catastrophes. I taught my classes, I went to lunch duty. Then something happened to snap me back out of the "fog," which reminds me more of mud than fog. Two little boogers from first grade were flipping their green beans across the room in the cafeteria. No big deal, right? Just address the problem, correct it, move on. Well, you would think. One little boy went right up to the mess he'd help make and started gathering the beans from the floor. The other little boy refused, stating that he didn't want to touch them after they had been in Ethan's mouth. My surprisingly calm answer was that THAT was part of the reason he shouldn't have flipped them in the first place. I told Austin that it was no big deal. Just pick them up, sit back down, finish your lunch, and all would be well. My voice was calm. My face wasn't condemning. But something snapped in that 7-year-old's head. It was enough to snap me back from the mud...He began yelling at me and crying, flinging his arms about, wringing his hands, screaming, drawing back to hit me. I was okay with the reaction as I've seen them before, until the draw back. No child would hit me. I took him as firmly by the arm as my professionalism would let me and guided him to the side of the room behind a wall where I could still see the rest of the kids but they could not see Austin because as it would normally be, a scene like this sparked some interest. My assistance was unappreciated, however, and Austin's physical responses esculated. I was working very hard not to show anger. That didn't last long. When he had interrupted me for about the twentieth time and drawn back to hit me (never actually landing a punch) for about the fourth time, I let that boy have it. I informed him that he would go to the office after lunch (I couldn't leave the other 110 kids there alone unsupervised), he would go quietly to his place and eat his food so his brain would have enough energy to finish the day, and he would do it without complaining or talking back to me. Apparently, Austin had other intentions. This is when he informed me that he knew exactly where he lived and would be walking there promptly. He took off around the corner, and I reacted, again pulling him as firmly as my professionalism would allow (all the while thinking "Your butt needs a spanking!!!!!!"), and he was not happy. I finally got him back to his table where he shoved his tray across. I caught it before the entire thing toppled but not before some of the chicken and noodles sloshed out on to my hand and the individual portion of honey landed on top of my other hand. And that was pretty much it for me. He was still screaming about Ethan's spit being on those dang green beans, and now I was fuming. The cafeteria manager came up at this point and said I needed to get him out of here. I turned and asked, "You think?!?!" That probably wasn't the most professional thing to do at that point, but better to do that than spank that child, I suppose. I had resolved myself to the fact that he probably wasn't going to leave quietly or on his own feet. I had put my things in my pocket (that were now sticky because I had no napkins) and visualized all the possible ways to contain this child and move him out of the area. I had also resolved myself that I was going to get bruised in the process. I contemplated taking off my glasses but was afraid my blindness would hinder my way up the stairs....or should I take the ramp? All of these thoughts happened in probably 2 seconds while Austin screamed away. Anyway, Austin's teacher came in to pick up her class at about the same time. When she saw the disruption, she marched over and began escorting him. It was rough. She got him to the stairs I had contemplated when the principal just happened to come around the corner. After dismissing the rest of the classes with their teachers, I went to the office to explain the situation to my superior and wash my hands. And thus began my afternoon.

After my blood pressure returned to normal, my day joined and followed suit. My lessons went fairly well. The third graders loved playing all the instruments. The second graders loved hearing their favorite songs from the school year so far. It was turning out to be a decent day.

After school I went to a shopping party, and finished three people's Christmas gifts (already, I know!). Got some good deals.

Got in the van to return home and it set in again. I don't know when it comes, why it comes, or how I get there. But I get home and think, "Did I have a conversation with my kids or did I just ignore them all the way home? Did I take 600 all the way or cut over to 850?" By the time I got home we were in full fledged busy mode. Homework. Football game. Wait -- supper first! Etc. Etc.

After all that, I am still hazy...I find myself zoning out. When I'm around public, I don't do it. But at home, it's like I slowly, without even realizing it's happening, and sometimes over the course of several hours, I slowly and distinctly get swallowed back up in this thought world where there are no thoughts. Sometimes my brain feels like a hand that has gone to sleep...hating the current state and desperately wanting something to smack it really hard so the initial shock of the pain will just get here and get over with so things can go back to normal. So I can feel again...

So to answer your question, I don't know, Mom, where I would fly away to. Probably somewhere where I could be alone for a while with absolutely no schedule to keep, no person or thing depending on me for anything...a place where there was no stimulus. No outside. No reminders. Somewhere that it's just okay to be, well, empty. If you know where that is, let me know. I want the first ticket available.

Proof...

...that there truly IS more than corn in Indiana.



This picture could never do any justice for the rainbow that literally seemed to form before my eyes this morning on the way to work. Then as I drove on, it doubled! One end appeared to be in my home town, and the other end was by my school, so I enjoyed it all the way to work this morning. I actually stopped on the road twice this morning to take the pictures I got. It was sooooo bright! It almost seemed neon in the sky! I wish this picture was a fraction of how beautiful it really was.

Random Thoughts

1. So on Monday, I bought about a gallon (combined) of bubble bath for the boys. On Wednesday there was none left. Never again will I buy it. This was the last warning.

2. My dog is precious. I love him. Rotten...but precious. The best dog I've ever had, I think....besides Belle, of course!!!!!! (The twin with him is Drew. He wanted his picture taken with him the other day.)


3. I found a picture of my dad that I haven't seen in a while. It was one when he was sick. It kind of startled me. They said that I would eventually not see him first in my mind as I saw him the last few times, and I guess that has started to happen. Maybe that is a good thing.

4. I have found T & T to be pretty good friends. I mean, I knew they were...but just lately, it seems as if they haven't forgotten me. It feels good.

5. Gave my kids haircuts tonight. They're all still alive. This is a good thing. I didn't yell at them at all. I was proud of my self-control.

6. I wish I was a bird...so I could fly...far, far away....

Church

1. Christians should not give the world any more ammunition against the church.
2. Christians should not be defaming, slandering, or gossiping about fellow Christians.
3. Christians should not throw fits if they don't get their way.
4. Christians should not tell all the truths they know if they can be hurtful.
5. Christians should not hurt other Christians.
6. Christians should be quick to forgive.
7. Christians should be joyful and loyal.
8. Christians should love the unlovable - not BE the unlovable.
9. Christians should not be entangled by the Deceiver's lies and trickery.
10. Christians should know better. We have the Ultimate Source of Wisdom in His Word.

Have I done these things? I'm ashamed that I have. But I can say that those things are past. God has been using some pretty sharp iron to mold me...sure, it's taken a while, and I'm no where near perfect. But I'm learning. And that's all I can do. I am so tired of the division in the church. I'm so tired of the deceit and back stabbing. I hate not knowing who to trust. I should be able to trust them all! We paint a pretty good picture for the world, huh? NO! God must look down with disgust and rage. We are a wicked people, Church.

It's time. Time to stop all the bickering and complaining. For Heaven's sake, think of SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SELF FOR A CHANGE. God not only expects it because it's a nice thing to do, He demands it!

Stop all the cowardly anonymous letters. It's ridiculous. God isn't in that. You are NOT doing the church a favor, regardless of what you think. You are DIVIDING it. You are CUTTING OFF your own arms and legs and hands. The Body cannot function this way.

I will no longer be silent if you mock my friends and lie about them. I will no longer tolerate the lies and gossip. I will no longer be hurt by your selfishness, your immaturity, your lies, and your childish fits. One way or another, God is going to reveal the truth.

Heavenly, Merciful Father,

I pray that any time I slip and sin in these ways that You will reveal it immediately to me and make it disgusting and vile to me. So horrible and wicked that I must instantly set it straight according to Your Word. I pray that when I'm the victim of these sins that You will give me the grace and humility to handle it just as Your Son did. Make me the same in the attitude of Christ Jesus. Convict me, convict my friends, convict my acquaintances, convict my enemies of these things. May I have the strength and integrity to resist the temptation to gossip and whine and complain. Make my only focus You and being Your servant. I don't want any other thing. Only You, Lord. Forgive me when I have not seen this own sin in my life. Forgive me, God. I see it now as so ugly and hateful. Control my tongue for me, God. I can't do it on my own. I want to flee from this evil. Help me to have the wisdom to know what to do in all these things. All these situations are so gross and wrong, Lord. If I find myself in the middle, may I be Your Salt and Light. Give me discernment. Give me wisdom. Give me love in my rebuke. Give me self-control. Give me patience with the ones who offend me every day. Lord, You know how tired I am. Give me strength. I wait on You. You are holy, Abba Father. Don't just be my Savior and Friend. Be my Lord. Be LORD of my life - in all things. I give all of this evil and all this hurt to you. Give me Jesus. I don't want any of the other stuff. I'm sick of letting myself get hurt by them. Help me to only hold myself to Your Standards. Men's don't count. God, keep me from EVER hurting them in my anger. Cool my anger, Lord. Where there is anger, give me self-control. Where there are tears, give me strength. Where there is doubt, give me confidence in You, God. You promise to help, and I'm counting on it. I need You, God. I love You. Always and forever, Amen.

Innocence

I love Gabriel's innocence. I was scrolling on my blog, to see the hit counter....I wasn't planning on posting anything. As I scrolled, the bottom entry had the pictures of my newest tattoo on my foot. (This post will probably move it to the archives....) Anyway, as he saw the foot on the screen, he got really excited and said, "Mommy!! That foot is like you!!!" I said, "You're right. That's MY foot honey. It's a picture! I put it there." He very matter-of-factly said, "Oh." Then I scrolled back to the top, he asked (like he does every day) "Pappaw Died?" I answered it for the millionth time. He finished with "He up in Heaben?" "Yep...." It's the same question every night. He even still prays for him sometimes, asking God to take care of him. Sweet.

IN to AZ

For those of you inclined to pray, I'm a single mom for the week because Chad went to Arizona - Show Low - to work with Thy Will Ministries. He's working with Apache children and doing jail ministry among other things. Pray that he will be used by God, that his walk will be strengthened, and that I won't have fewer children upon his return! :)