What a difference...

A new hairstyle can make. My spirits were lifted today....just a simple haircut and highlight, but it did me good.

Luke QB'ed his flag football game tonight and threw a touchdown pass on his second play!!!!!!! Needless to say, our section was quite rowdy over that one. It was fun.

And now I am going to do something I haven't done in....ages....
It's not even 9 PM and I'm going to bed. Hopefully TONIGHT will be different and I can get some sleep.

Strange

While I was teaching yesterday, my classroom door was open. I'm on the end of the building (they tend to keep the noisy ones away from others), so I usually leave the door open unless it's lunch time because the noise from the cafeteria and my classroom tend to compete if the door isn't shut. I was teaching fourth grade, and I glanced up because something caught my eye by the door. I was so sure. I saw my dad. He was walking by with his white t-shirt that had some baseball reference and the big scripted word "Sacrifice" across the front. That split second was more than wonderful. I had that urge to call out to him and call him back in the room. And then in that flash of a moment, it all fell apart. The flood of reality came crashing back in. So this makes the 3rd time something like this has happened.

I saw him standing in line at the viewing, waiting to see himself, apparently.

Last Saturday, I was relaxing in the sand. Gabriel and Chad were trying to doze in the sun. The other boys were off playing with Tony and LuAnn, Chad's parents. My eyes were shut. My head tilted back against the chair. I was trying to doze off myself when I heard Dad off to my left. But it wasn't him. He was talking...but no, he wasn't.

A friend at church had told me she sees her dad (who died when I was a little girl) walking down the streets of Greentown....or in the grocery store.

I hate these tricks my mind plays. It makes the devastation that he's gone choke me.

This week at school is grandparent's week, as if one day wouldn't have been bad enough. My schedule actually managed to avoid the times with the grade levels involved (all but tomorrow morning for about one hour). But today...I had a hard time. I was walking back from another classroom getting ready for my fourth grade Music class when I saw another teacher come out from around a corner calling out that we needed the nurse and someone to call 911. Apparently, a grandfather (with a very recent history of 2 open heart surgeries and a few heart attacks) had gone down, bashing a hole in to the wall about the size of a grapefruit. With the fall came lots of blood. This teacher was followed by the grandson, a third grader, crying hysterically for his grandparent. The images of these visitors in the hallways have stirred up several emotions already....When does Luke have to deal with this? Will he be able to keep his mind off of Dad or will it be a horrible day for him? Dad only got to go to one for Luke. He'll never go to Drew and Evan's grandparents day (other than the one at preschool last year). Gabriel didn't even get a chance....but seeing Erik cry. It mortified me. I wanted to fix it so badly for him. I saw Luke standing there in front of the casket all over again. I heard his cries with each of Erik's sobs. It was horrible.

I know all my posts are so dark....I don't mean them to be. But I do feel better after it's "out" - so I guess for now, please bear with me.

Picture post - Lake Michigan Last Saturday

The kids, Chad, and I went to Lake Michigan to spend the day on the "beach" with Tony and LuAnn (Chad's parents). It was good to get away. Enjoy the pictures.



It's constant. They NEVER stop wrestling. I'm sure it's just the boy in them all.>

Drew (Left) and Evan

More Drew and Evan

I asked Gabriel to say cheese. This is the result.

They had a lot of fun feeding the birds!! Probably a little too much fun. After all the Captain Crunch cereal, the birds wouldn't go away! They got most of Evan's sandwich at lunch.

Gabriel wasn't afraid of the birds at all. I would have been. I kept my distance!

It looks like Luke is actually holding this bird, but he wasn't.

Evan's sand angel

Luke and his daddy fishing: probably both of their favorite things....

Gabriel riding Evan through the sand.

Gabriel and his grandma Lu

The Boys: Drew and Luke are in the back. Evan and Gabriel are in the front.

Drew strikes a pose.

Evan's pose. Neither of the twins are camera shy! That's for sure!

Evan and Chad's Mom, LuAnn

And this was the sunset over Lake Michigan. It was a very peaceful night. I'm glad we went.

FINALLY!

Well, I'm proud to announce that with the exception of night time, my family is now 100% DIAPER FREE! :) Way to go, Gabriel! His 3rd birthday is October 21.

I didn't cook

It's really becoming a bad habit...a costly habit...but I didn't want to be home tonight, thinking...about 2 months ago...so we went to IHOP.

Gabriel was too cute eating the Kids' "Funny Face Meal" which was one large buttermilk pancake with chocolate chips, whipped cream smile and cherry eyes. He had a blast eating it. What kid wouldn't?




So the trip worked. I felt like a normal family for the first time in a long time. Every one of us was in a good mood. We laughed together over Gabriel's silliness, Luke's growing sense of humor, Drew's uniqueness, and Evan's constant chatter. We learned far too much from the (how do I say this the nice way??) mentally challenged family across from us. Luke held in the laughter (better than my husband did) when they stood to leave and the son's butt-crack was hanging out of his pants. He didn't seem to mind it, as if it were a normal thing for him. We got in the van after paying, and Chad thanked Luke for being mature enough not to giggle at the man whose butt was hanging out. That sparked an entirely new and equally funny conversation. (Side note: Evan is so going to be that kid. The one that crosses right over the line....the funny but gross comments. You know the kind...hopefully it will just linger around ornery and not dirty.)

Later, we headed to the pet store to hook up Tuck the Turtle with a new filter. His was broken and making his tank quite stinky. He is extremely happy with his new set up, swimming through the new floating log with ease. The kids and I watched him for about an hour tonight. Luke even did his homework in front of the tank in Drew and Evan's room on the floor while we watched. It may be a rough morning because they stayed up late, but I won't regret it because it was a near perfect evening for me and the family. There were no arguments, no whining. It was just nice.

...seriously, their butter pecan pancake syrup is delicious...

No Words

I have no words for today....well, apparently that is a lie. 'Cause here I am, about to put a couple hundred here, trying to describe it all.

It started pretty well. Normal, almost. After getting ready to go to school and actually leaving within 5 minutes of the desired departure time (truly amazing after getting 4 kids up and ready to go), I drove to the babysitter's feeling a little empty. I never really knew what that meant when someone said it. Today, it all came together for me. I sat numbly driving to her house while Gabriel's mantra of "I miss Pappaw" began. He only does this when his brothers have said it or cried about it or he is really tired. He must have been tired because I don't remember any of the boys speaking of Dad this morning. Don't get me wrong, Gabriel was not crying as the chant began. It was a very matter-of-fact tone he used. Almost without feeling. Almost like he was just talking to be talking. Before I realized it, I was pulling in to her driveway when I finally remembered that he will repeat himself until you just acknowlege it. So I quietly matched his tone and said, "Me too, buddy." That's how it began for me.

I got to school, got busy. Things began to seem almost normal again. I went about my breakfast duty without any catastrophes. I taught my classes, I went to lunch duty. Then something happened to snap me back out of the "fog," which reminds me more of mud than fog. Two little boogers from first grade were flipping their green beans across the room in the cafeteria. No big deal, right? Just address the problem, correct it, move on. Well, you would think. One little boy went right up to the mess he'd help make and started gathering the beans from the floor. The other little boy refused, stating that he didn't want to touch them after they had been in Ethan's mouth. My surprisingly calm answer was that THAT was part of the reason he shouldn't have flipped them in the first place. I told Austin that it was no big deal. Just pick them up, sit back down, finish your lunch, and all would be well. My voice was calm. My face wasn't condemning. But something snapped in that 7-year-old's head. It was enough to snap me back from the mud...He began yelling at me and crying, flinging his arms about, wringing his hands, screaming, drawing back to hit me. I was okay with the reaction as I've seen them before, until the draw back. No child would hit me. I took him as firmly by the arm as my professionalism would let me and guided him to the side of the room behind a wall where I could still see the rest of the kids but they could not see Austin because as it would normally be, a scene like this sparked some interest. My assistance was unappreciated, however, and Austin's physical responses esculated. I was working very hard not to show anger. That didn't last long. When he had interrupted me for about the twentieth time and drawn back to hit me (never actually landing a punch) for about the fourth time, I let that boy have it. I informed him that he would go to the office after lunch (I couldn't leave the other 110 kids there alone unsupervised), he would go quietly to his place and eat his food so his brain would have enough energy to finish the day, and he would do it without complaining or talking back to me. Apparently, Austin had other intentions. This is when he informed me that he knew exactly where he lived and would be walking there promptly. He took off around the corner, and I reacted, again pulling him as firmly as my professionalism would allow (all the while thinking "Your butt needs a spanking!!!!!!"), and he was not happy. I finally got him back to his table where he shoved his tray across. I caught it before the entire thing toppled but not before some of the chicken and noodles sloshed out on to my hand and the individual portion of honey landed on top of my other hand. And that was pretty much it for me. He was still screaming about Ethan's spit being on those dang green beans, and now I was fuming. The cafeteria manager came up at this point and said I needed to get him out of here. I turned and asked, "You think?!?!" That probably wasn't the most professional thing to do at that point, but better to do that than spank that child, I suppose. I had resolved myself to the fact that he probably wasn't going to leave quietly or on his own feet. I had put my things in my pocket (that were now sticky because I had no napkins) and visualized all the possible ways to contain this child and move him out of the area. I had also resolved myself that I was going to get bruised in the process. I contemplated taking off my glasses but was afraid my blindness would hinder my way up the stairs....or should I take the ramp? All of these thoughts happened in probably 2 seconds while Austin screamed away. Anyway, Austin's teacher came in to pick up her class at about the same time. When she saw the disruption, she marched over and began escorting him. It was rough. She got him to the stairs I had contemplated when the principal just happened to come around the corner. After dismissing the rest of the classes with their teachers, I went to the office to explain the situation to my superior and wash my hands. And thus began my afternoon.

After my blood pressure returned to normal, my day joined and followed suit. My lessons went fairly well. The third graders loved playing all the instruments. The second graders loved hearing their favorite songs from the school year so far. It was turning out to be a decent day.

After school I went to a shopping party, and finished three people's Christmas gifts (already, I know!). Got some good deals.

Got in the van to return home and it set in again. I don't know when it comes, why it comes, or how I get there. But I get home and think, "Did I have a conversation with my kids or did I just ignore them all the way home? Did I take 600 all the way or cut over to 850?" By the time I got home we were in full fledged busy mode. Homework. Football game. Wait -- supper first! Etc. Etc.

After all that, I am still hazy...I find myself zoning out. When I'm around public, I don't do it. But at home, it's like I slowly, without even realizing it's happening, and sometimes over the course of several hours, I slowly and distinctly get swallowed back up in this thought world where there are no thoughts. Sometimes my brain feels like a hand that has gone to sleep...hating the current state and desperately wanting something to smack it really hard so the initial shock of the pain will just get here and get over with so things can go back to normal. So I can feel again...

So to answer your question, I don't know, Mom, where I would fly away to. Probably somewhere where I could be alone for a while with absolutely no schedule to keep, no person or thing depending on me for anything...a place where there was no stimulus. No outside. No reminders. Somewhere that it's just okay to be, well, empty. If you know where that is, let me know. I want the first ticket available.