Completely lazy

Today I have done nothing...except about half an hour ago. I don't know whether to feel good about it or not...I know my brain needs a rest from all this, and I'm completely exhausted. But the other side of me says I have to do more in these last few days before school starts with my boys.

Aside from getting the boys' lunch (Luke got their breakfast of milk and strawberry pop tarts), I have made my bed and started a load of laundry. Oh! I also folded a load...

Tonight my brother and his family are coming over, so I have to go get a shower, at least!

So can someone tell me who has gone through this when I stop feeling two-sided about every single thought and action?

Birthday at Ivanhoes

If you have been to Upland or Marion, Indiana, you probably have heard of Ivanhoe's Ice Cream. It's absolutely amazing. I think their ice cream menu has over 200 items on it that are standard dishes. And of course, you can create your own. It's by far the best ice cream experience ever....my boys got these "clown sundaes" for their birthdays. They had trick candles on them, as well...so it was hilarious, apparently to see Gabriel try to blow it out. French fries landed on the sundae!! (Even though it's not his birthday, how could i get 3 of these and not one for him!?!?!)

Some things that have worked...

After the crying and sobbing of my oldest, Luke, I have learned some things that work...at least for now....even if I cry through it with him.

I promised him we'd get him a CD player for his room. For $19.95 at Walmart, Chad and I picked one up for him today. Since it was his birthday, we let him open that one, but he has to wait for his party on Tuesday to open the rest. He was thrilled. The CD player allows him to fall asleep to my dad's music cd's. He and his brothers sang for many years (all of my life and in to my 20's). They travelled all over the midwest and made it farther a few times. We'd load up the bus sometimes at 3AM to get to a church. I can remember some really good times there. In the process of all those years, the group (The Singing Nicholsons) actually made six or seven (I think) albums. They supplemented with 8 tracks early on in their career, but I remember the sweet day that they branched in to the world of cassette tapes!! :) HA! Anyway, after my uncles and dad stopped singing, my dad formed a group (of which my brother was a part for several years before moving away) called Joyful Noise. The Noise, as we like to call them - affectionately, of course - have recorded 4 (I think ) CDs. We're very fortunate. Most people don't have the luxury of hearing their loved ones after they have passed. Tonight, Luke and the other boys listened to one of the first Nicholson albums since Dad had gotten them all converted to CD a few Christmases ago for the family. It was such a great idea. I'm so glad that he did it!!! Tonight, instead of all the crying, we had smiles and peace. Thank GOD!!

Today, since my mom is still in town, she took the boys while I went birthday gift shopping for Luke, Drew, and Evan. Mom, her husband, and my grandparents decided to brave it and took them to town. She went ahead and bought them all stuffed dinosaurs (THEY LOVE DINOS!!) and then let Luke pick out a few things. He decided on a skateboard (ER visit in my future, I sense) and a new backpack for first grade. With the rest of his money, he told Mom that he wanted to get his "mommy something because she was sad," and he thought that I needed cheering up!!!! Mom replied that this was a good idea, but he needed to understand that using his money for me would mean he didn't get as much. He said it was okay. He picked out two shirts. (One of them I actually tried on when buying clothes for the funeral and viewing!!) How touching is that??!?!! I have some good kids....Chad and I must be doing something right.

In order for me to express my memory of my father, I decided when we heard the news that he only had a few days to live to get another tattoo. Chad and I went in to pick it out tonight before doing all the birthday shopping. The artist is drawing it up for me, and I should have a draft in a few days. I'll try to explain it as I envision it. There is a vine-like navy cross. In front of the cross, I will have an orange tiger lily because this was one of the flowers we chose for his casket spray of flowers. In the largest leaf of the flower, I will have the Japanese symbol for "father" and then somewhere near the vine-cross, I want Dad's favorite Bible verse: Isaiah 41:10. I may add a gerber daisy somewhere because he had those as well on his casket. He always said, according to Jenny, that they were "such a happy flower" - I think it was a line from a movie....but I can't remember. Anyway, I am really excited to see what they come up with. I will be putting the tattoo on top of my left foot. Left because Dad was a lefty, and Chad said it had to be on the left because of that. I chose my foot because my dad left some huge footprints for many to follow, and I wanted to also sybolize that he has gone before me.

So, tomorrow begins another week....just a week ago today, Dad was drinking chocolate milkshakes and joking with his brothers...it seems impossible that he is gone forever from my life. I can't imagine this. I swear I see him sometimes out of the corner of my eye, only to be disappointed. Yesterday at his funeral dinner, I sat down with my kids and thought to myself, "I wonder where Dad is sitting..." But then the cruel reality hit. How long will I think these thoughts and see glimpses of him and hear his laughter behind me? I don't know. I can't decide whether these hallucinations are a curse tormenting me in my grief or a blessing to remind me of what a loving and gracious father he was.

I love him so much....

August 4, 2000 - August 4, 2007

Today, Dad's oldest grandson, Luke, turned seven. It was hard for him last night to realize that his pappaw wouldn't be there for his birthday, but we talked through it and cried together. (Drew and Evan, our twins, turn 5 on Tuesday...)

It was estimated that 1200 people joined us at Dad's visitation and/or funeral. That is truly amazing. We all thank you so much for the support and encouragement.

Dad's funeral service yesterday was indescribable. God was truly there with us. There would have been no way that Todd, Micah, Chad, and I could have done all we were able to do without the strength of the Father. I haven't worshipped like that or had so much hope in such a long time. In a way, Dad's funeral was refreshing for me. That seems so impossible by earhly standards, but when you know - without a doubt - that God has literally held you up, given you words, and provided peace, it's not so impossible any more.

It's all a little surreal. When you go to town and do something normal and then realize what you were doing that time yesterday...or a week ago...or a month ago...it comes flooding back.

One month ago today, Dad was taken to the ER for stroke-like symptoms. Who knew that our world would turn completely upside-down so quickly? God did...and looking back at the months leading up to this whole situation, I can see how God was preparing me...

Teaching me to lean less on my dad and more on my husband.

Using songs in worship to prepare me.

Teaching me to think about my own salvation and what I can do to have a deeper relationship with God.

Putting people in my path, people that would give real encouragement and be a prayer warrior for me.

Internalizing Scripture that would be crucial for my strength in this trial.

Isn't God, in His infinite wisdom, great?

Viewing is done

Thank God. It was good to hear all the stories, and tiring at the same time. I'm so tired...and drained...and exhausted...and yet I have things I must do....so I better get to them.

Tonight...

was difficult. The day was pretty good, but man, tonight I could have done without.