"I serve a great big wonderful God." - my hero, my dad

CLICK HERE

2008-02-11T00:25:00.000-05:00

Due to a problem with Blogger for several months, I was forced to start up a new blog...then after moving several of the old posts to the new blog, Blogger freed up this account again...

Anyway, if you want to check out the latest:
God Is Good - All The Time

PICTURES to go with previous post

2007-12-23T00:38:00.000-05:00

A few pictures taken from the preschool program the other night. Drew is the wiseman in a crown, and Evan has the collar on. The other picture is of Luke and his Uncle Todd! I'm so glad they are home! :)

YAY!! They're home!

2007-12-19T01:12:00.001-05:00

I reunited with Todd, Micah, and Grace today. It was awesome! I can't believe her cheeks!!! Grace is quite the ADORABLE chunk! She's such a happy baby.

I got a good cry out with Todd today, too....I guess. This next week is going to be so bittersweet. Bitter for the loss I've suffered, but sweet for seeing them again and getting to spend time with them.

The twins were in a preschool Christmas program. Drew and Evan were both wise men. :) It was so sweet. Today as we were talking about what the wise men did in the whole Christmas story, the conversation went something like this:

Me: So tell me what you are doing in the program tonight.
Drew/Evan: We are wise men.
Me: What do the wise men do?
Evan: They follow the star.
Drew: Drew G. is the star. We walk around in the song Walking to Bethlehem. It's the most important part of the whole story.
Me: That's a big responsibility. You must be important. Why do they follow the star? Where are they going?
Drew: To see Jesus.

Now, realizing that they know the Christmas story and have been told all about it....my next question comes.

Me: What do the wise men bring?
Evan: Just cookies for after the program.

HYSTERICAL! I love it. I'll try to get pictures up soon! :)

Elfed!

2007-12-12T23:46:00.001-05:00

If you do nothing else today, click here. (Especially if you know my children...)

sigh

2007-12-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

I got a funny email today...one that I thought I'd pass on. As I was scrolling through the list of email addresses from the contacts list, I came across a name and thought, "Oh he'd like it." I clicked on my dad's email address before realizing...

When does that stop?

AUGUST RUSH

2007-11-25T00:14:00.000-05:00

Drop everything you are doing and go buy a ticket to this A-MA-ZING movie.

Seriously, drop it.

Why are you still reading? Shouldn't you be looking up show times?

You won't be disappointed.

My #1 Movie of ALL TIME as of now.

Girl can S-I-N-G. :) Will steal your heart in about 1.5.

I think it's because I love music and I love Freddie Highmore. He's so pure, innocent. This movie had like 2 bad words. No joke. Actually, now that I think of it, I can only remember one. I'll probably own the soundtrack...and I KNOW I'll own the movie. It's so good. Don't wait for the DVD. Go. Now.

Some other movies I can't wait to see:
I AM LEGEND.
THE BUCKET LIST.
FRED CLAUS
ENCHANTED
MR. MAGORIUM'S WONDER IMPORIUM

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2007-11-21T13:34:00.000-05:00

I'm sure this next month will be full of new emotions I hadn't counted on...new feelings...but I'll work through it, I guess.

We actually put up our Christmas stuff early this year. We got in the mood last weekend. So Saturday night we got to decorate our new home for the first time. It was fun. Well, it was fun AFTER a few fiascos, but that's ok. :)

Our new Christmas tree:

My new Christmas gift, Chad bought me a fireplace! :) Of course, it's not real, but it is nice to have it. Thanks, Honey!

Apparently I'm not a girl. Imagine my surprise!

2007-11-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

So today, Gabriel grew up in front of my eyes. He asked me why I didn't have a weener (a term Luke has brought to our household from school or his dad, I'm not sure which...). I answered that girls don't have pee pees and I am a girl. His answer? "No you're not. You're a mommy!"

Soap, Pops, and Shopping

2007-11-12T15:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I would not advise using dish soap to "teach your children a lesson..." Last week, after several days of picking up the kids to find out that they had been been talking back and calling names such as "poopy," I decided that the previous consequences weren't quite enough. I have often used a medicine dropper full of vinegar to each them that their mouth can say ugly things, but apparently vinegar didn't make the shopping list, so dish soap it was. Now I can remember eating soap as a child. I've heard stories of many - no, countless parents who have used it. So I thought nothing of lining up Drew, Evan, and Gabriel in the kitchen and squirting the soap in their mouth. Twenty seconds later I would have a completely different viewpoint...They were vomitting everywhere in that kitchen. Twenty minutes later they were still vomiting. They didn't bend over. They didn't attempt to move to the trash can. They didn't even aim for it when I brought it to them. They just let the vomit splat all over their clothes, shoes, and the kitchen floor. So who was really punished in all this??? I think I should put vinegar back on top of the grocery list.

I popped my collar bone last Wednesday. Now pain shoots up my neck in to my left ear and around the back to the base of my head. I can hardly stand it, so tomorrow I head to the doctor. It keeps getting worse.

Despite the shore collar bone/neck/shoulder, I shopped this weekend with 22 people from church. We left Friday morning and returned Saturday night. Wanna be completely green with envy? I'm done Christmas shopping except for 3 gifts!! YAY!!!

So that should have just caught you up on the last week and a half. Have a great week.

It's Saturday..that makes me a little sad.

2007-11-03T22:28:00.000-04:00

In less than 24 hours, I'll be dreading the workweek again. ew.

Took the kids to see Bee Movie. It was not as good as I anticipated. I was sadly disappointed. There were funny one-liners and many places where the humor was for mom and dad, but I don't see what all the buzz is about. (ha. get it? um. yeah.) Okay, so that said, it was nice to leave the cleaning regimine today aside and take a break. Oh there is still more to clean, more to launder, yada yada yada, but sometimes you just have to take a break and do something with the kids for a change. So that's what I did. And everything will be fine whether it's all in its place by bedtime or not.

Also watched this movie again tonight. This picture makes the evening grand... :) Between Brad Pitt and Matthew McConna-hotty....man, if they teamed up, I'd be pretty happy about it.

There. I've done it. I just made your day brighter, too. Happy weekend!

Complete Randomness

2007-10-29T20:12:00.000-04:00

1. Is "randomness" a word?
2. I was told to shut up and was spit at by an 8 year old at school today. He's lucky to remain attached to the rest of his body.
3. Last Thursday, I decided since the weather was fairly decent that I would take the boys (who had been asking about the whole thing) to my dad's grave site. Despite a rocky beginning, the kids probably had more fun than anything else asking who was burried here and there. It was actually pretty good. I had dreaded the day. Luke, of course, was much more aware of WHY we were there, but he did very well.
4. Later that night, we had to watch Casey the bunny die. Ok, God, horrible timing. It's like Luke was okay at the cemetery, but when that bunny was dying, he was almost hysterical. I ached for him. He and the twins helped Chad bury her. We don't know what happened. But we watched the painful death. She was quiet but in much pain.
5. So, meet OREO:
Luke is in better spirits now about it, but last night had a relapse of crying hysterically for the first bunny and even had a bad dream that Oreo died. I chalk it up to being normal for his grieving process. Seriously, God. Bad timing....
6. This is a picture I took at Dad's the last Sunday we spent there...Drew and Luke were chilling. Dad was sitting on the couch to my right, or rather on the floor propped up against the couch with a vibrating massager thing on his lower back trying to gain relief.
7. A definite highlight to his birthday party: he got a Jeep (it was given to us by some pretty awesome people, we just bought the batteries). THANKS T & T!

Gabriel and Ava opening presents. Ava is practically a neice.

Also a highlight, Mom and Jon sent him this big play tent. It can either be a school bus or fire truck. He enjoys it. He's the king in there!

Some new clothes Gabriel got.

8. The story of my "Pretty Awesome Son Shirt." Since Dad's illness was so close to Luke's and the twins' birthdays, Mom got to be home during that time frame, and she was able to take them shopping for their birthdays. This is pretty rare since she lives in Montana. When shopping, Luke told my mom that I was pretty said and he thought they should get me something to cheer me up. As if that wasn't sweet enough, when Mom explained that if she got me a shirt, he would have one less present because she had a certain amount of money to spend, Luke picked out not one, but two shirts for me. So now, every time I wear either shirt, if someone compliments either of them, I am sure to tell them it's my "Pretty Awesome Son Shirt." I share it with you today, because I wore the maroon one today, so I got to tell the story 4 times. You make 5.
9. Drew is having a little bit of trouble with his mouth lately. I wouldn't say any of my kids are rude, but Drew and Evan seem to be testing to see what they can say and can't. More often Drew doesn't get the hint as quickly as Evan. I don't want you to think they are brats because I don't think they are....maybe I'm biased, but we get a lot of compliments on our kids, so I hope people are not lying. Anyway, Drew got in trouble tonight, and it's one of those things that made me chuckle AFTER the fact, and had he not done this on the same day as my random thought #1, his punishment may have been quicker. He got in trouble at the babysitter's today, and they do spank occasionally. Today he did something...now I don't even remember what...and he got a spanking. In the middle of the spanking he looked at the lady and said "You hitted me enough times already!" So he got in more trouble. I'm not sure at this point what they did for punishment or if they just saved it for me. Either way, he was not allowed in the toy room or in front of the TV at all tonight. He went to bed early (even though it was only 15 minutes), and he had to do chore after chore after chore once he got home. Hopefully he will think twice before spouting off to them tomorrow.
10. On the other hand, you won't find more loving and serving kids than Luke, Drew, Evan, and Gabriel. I mean, the shirt story is enough to put Luke's tender heart right up there with the best of them. Drew and Evan are constantly looking for ways to serve others, a "chore" on their charts that they want to do well in. Evan swept Luke and Gabriel's room tonight, for example. Gabriel will bring you endless "totes" from the refrigerator, regardless of the fact that you just opened the can he just brought you 2 minutes ago. I couldn't ask for better kids. If they didn't test the waters some, I'd wonder about them. Plus I wouldn't feel as fortunate when I see the 8 year old who looked at me with such hate in his eyes today.
11. Normally I'd give you the whole rundown about the events (however insignificant they were) leading up to today's meltdown in class for that little boy...but somehow tonight, even though they sometimes exasperate me or push my buttons...somehow, it doesn't seem like a story I want to tell. It is obvious he doesn't have the kind of home my kids do - however chaotic it may feel sometimes. Lately I've been pretty consumed with the Poor-Me-Spirit (an equally evil form of PMS). I'd apologize for it, but I think it's supposed to be normal for this stage in the game. But tonight? Tonight, I feel blessed. Yeah, Dad was taken from me and my family a little early by our standards, and yeah, it still hurts. It may always hurt - despite the promise by people who have gone through similar situations that it "gets better." But I did have 31 years with a man who loved me just as much as I love my kids. It's weird to think that I pushed his buttons. I did things that in light of his day at work were dealt with differently. I wanted to serve him and love him by bringing him a diet coke. No matter how crazy it got, he came in and tucked me in, said a prayer, and gave me a kiss each night. Yeah, he thought about me growing up and not knowing his mother. Maybe he even took me to her grave site and let me walk through asking questions. He held my sobbing body close to him when my black bunny died in the garage, when my golden cat was smashed on the highway. He looked at me and smiled his half-smile at the supper table while I ate "Bert and Ernie Noses" (peas and limas). You're right, everybody. He does live on inside of me. That's pretty great.
12. I have been blessed.

Ups and Downs

2007-10-22T18:16:00.000-04:00

UPS:
Read it and weep!!! I'm so proud of my little guy!!! This is his first report card...well, the first one with more than check marks!! This one had real grades on it, and I have to say, I'm REALLY happy with Luke's accomplishments!!

I have fall break this weekend, and I need it. That's a plus. Big time.

Gabriel turned 3 yesterday!! He's such a big kid now. On Saturday night when I carried him to bed after falling asleep on the couch, I was pretty bummed that it was the last time I may put a baby to bed. It is exciting to see him grow up and get his own (slightly bossy, a little spoiled) personality.

DOWNS:
The spunky little three year old dumped his entire plate at dinner not once...no, not even twice....3 STINKIN' TIMES!!! I was so mad! It's hard to stay calm - especially with repeat offenders. Green beans, mashed potatoes, yogurt - all caked to the floor. THREE TIMES. The entire kitchen was moved to the living room for that "clean up in Aisle 4." The other night Drew did the same thing with chocolate milk. It literally spanned the entire width of the kitchen.

Dad wasn't at the birthday party last night. I was okay while it was happening...and even later that night. Even when Jenny was trying to talk to me about Dad. I was trying not to get emotional then. (Jen, sorry. I guess maybe I didn't really want to talk about it - looking back at last night. Hope I didn't upset you...) Today - hit me like a ton of bricks at school. I was on my prep period, thank God. The image of my dad opening gifts with Gabriel last year while we snapped pictures kept coming to me today. Then the realization that he not only didn't get ot help Gabriel, or see the amazing Bears come back last night or eat cake and laugh with us, or hug me goodbye...it just still stings. A lot. So today? Today was pretty crappy. Maybe the rain and gloominess of the sky didn't help. Either way, I was pretty sad today.

A friend from church is battling some medical issues. I called him in his hospital room and prayed with him during my prep today (and before the breakdown I just mentioned). It's scary to hear dooming medical terms as possibilities. But you know his response? In my anxiety for him, he said that my dad taught him how to handle it no matter what the real outcomes are. How amazing. I was blessed. I guess the last half of this paragraph may belong in the "ups".

Thanks for letting me get it out, once again.

awkward....

2007-10-12T13:46:00.000-04:00

You know when you find out months after a conversation happened that you may have hurt someone's feelings? And the way you find out was told to you "in confidence" so you have no idea how to fix it because you aren't even supposed to know.

I'm there now. Pray for wisdom.

What a difference...

2007-10-11T20:45:00.000-04:00

A new hairstyle can make. My spirits were lifted today....just a simple haircut and highlight, but it did me good.

Luke QB'ed his flag football game tonight and threw a touchdown pass on his second play!!!!!!! Needless to say, our section was quite rowdy over that one. It was fun.

And now I am going to do something I haven't done in....ages....
It's not even 9 PM and I'm going to bed. Hopefully TONIGHT will be different and I can get some sleep.

Strange

2007-10-10T20:52:00.000-04:00

While I was teaching yesterday, my classroom door was open. I'm on the end of the building (they tend to keep the noisy ones away from others), so I usually leave the door open unless it's lunch time because the noise from the cafeteria and my classroom tend to compete if the door isn't shut. I was teaching fourth grade, and I glanced up because something caught my eye by the door. I was so sure. I saw my dad. He was walking by with his white t-shirt that had some baseball reference and the big scripted word "Sacrifice" across the front. That split second was more than wonderful. I had that urge to call out to him and call him back in the room. And then in that flash of a moment, it all fell apart. The flood of reality came crashing back in. So this makes the 3rd time something like this has happened.

I saw him standing in line at the viewing, waiting to see himself, apparently.

Last Saturday, I was relaxing in the sand. Gabriel and Chad were trying to doze in the sun. The other boys were off playing with Tony and LuAnn, Chad's parents. My eyes were shut. My head tilted back against the chair. I was trying to doze off myself when I heard Dad off to my left. But it wasn't him. He was talking...but no, he wasn't.

A friend at church had told me she sees her dad (who died when I was a little girl) walking down the streets of Greentown....or in the grocery store.

I hate these tricks my mind plays. It makes the devastation that he's gone choke me.

This week at school is grandparent's week, as if one day wouldn't have been bad enough. My schedule actually managed to avoid the times with the grade levels involved (all but tomorrow morning for about one hour). But today...I had a hard time. I was walking back from another classroom getting ready for my fourth grade Music class when I saw another teacher come out from around a corner calling out that we needed the nurse and someone to call 911. Apparently, a grandfather (with a very recent history of 2 open heart surgeries and a few heart attacks) had gone down, bashing a hole in to the wall about the size of a grapefruit. With the fall came lots of blood. This teacher was followed by the grandson, a third grader, crying hysterically for his grandparent. The images of these visitors in the hallways have stirred up several emotions already....When does Luke have to deal with this? Will he be able to keep his mind off of Dad or will it be a horrible day for him? Dad only got to go to one for Luke. He'll never go to Drew and Evan's grandparents day (other than the one at preschool last year). Gabriel didn't even get a chance....but seeing Erik cry. It mortified me. I wanted to fix it so badly for him. I saw Luke standing there in front of the casket all over again. I heard his cries with each of Erik's sobs. It was horrible.

I know all my posts are so dark....I don't mean them to be. But I do feel better after it's "out" - so I guess for now, please bear with me.

Picture post - Lake Michigan Last Saturday

2007-10-10T20:27:00.000-04:00

The kids, Chad, and I went to Lake Michigan to spend the day on the "beach" with Tony and LuAnn (Chad's parents). It was good to get away. Enjoy the pictures.

It's constant. They NEVER stop wrestling. I'm sure it's just the boy in them all.>

Drew (Left) and Evan

More Drew and Evan

I asked Gabriel to say cheese. This is the result.

They had a lot of fun feeding the birds!! Probably a little too much fun. After all the Captain Crunch cereal, the birds wouldn't go away! They got most of Evan's sandwich at lunch.

Gabriel wasn't afraid of the birds at all. I would have been. I kept my distance!

It looks like Luke is actually holding this bird, but he wasn't.

Evan's sand angel

Luke and his daddy fishing: probably both of their favorite things....

Gabriel riding Evan through the sand.

Gabriel and his grandma Lu

The Boys: Drew and Luke are in the back. Evan and Gabriel are in the front.

Drew strikes a pose.

Evan's pose. Neither of the twins are camera shy! That's for sure!

Evan and Chad's Mom, LuAnn

And this was the sunset over Lake Michigan. It was a very peaceful night. I'm glad we went.

FINALLY!

2007-10-08T00:22:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm proud to announce that with the exception of night time, my family is now 100% DIAPER FREE! :) Way to go, Gabriel! His 3rd birthday is October 21.

I didn't cook

2007-10-01T21:21:00.000-04:00

It's really becoming a bad habit...a costly habit...but I didn't want to be home tonight, thinking...about 2 months ago...so we went to IHOP.

Gabriel was too cute eating the Kids' "Funny Face Meal" which was one large buttermilk pancake with chocolate chips, whipped cream smile and cherry eyes. He had a blast eating it. What kid wouldn't?

So the trip worked. I felt like a normal family for the first time in a long time. Every one of us was in a good mood. We laughed together over Gabriel's silliness, Luke's growing sense of humor, Drew's uniqueness, and Evan's constant chatter. We learned far too much from the (how do I say this the nice way??) mentally challenged family across from us. Luke held in the laughter (better than my husband did) when they stood to leave and the son's butt-crack was hanging out of his pants. He didn't seem to mind it, as if it were a normal thing for him. We got in the van after paying, and Chad thanked Luke for being mature enough not to giggle at the man whose butt was hanging out. That sparked an entirely new and equally funny conversation. (Side note: Evan is so going to be that kid. The one that crosses right over the line....the funny but gross comments. You know the kind...hopefully it will just linger around ornery and not dirty.)

Later, we headed to the pet store to hook up Tuck the Turtle with a new filter. His was broken and making his tank quite stinky. He is extremely happy with his new set up, swimming through the new floating log with ease. The kids and I watched him for about an hour tonight. Luke even did his homework in front of the tank in Drew and Evan's room on the floor while we watched. It may be a rough morning because they stayed up late, but I won't regret it because it was a near perfect evening for me and the family. There were no arguments, no whining. It was just nice.

...seriously, their butter pecan pancake syrup is delicious...

No Words

2007-09-27T21:59:00.001-04:00

I have no words for today....well, apparently that is a lie. 'Cause here I am, about to put a couple hundred here, trying to describe it all.

It started pretty well. Normal, almost. After getting ready to go to school and actually leaving within 5 minutes of the desired departure time (truly amazing after getting 4 kids up and ready to go), I drove to the babysitter's feeling a little empty. I never really knew what that meant when someone said it. Today, it all came together for me. I sat numbly driving to her house while Gabriel's mantra of "I miss Pappaw" began. He only does this when his brothers have said it or cried about it or he is really tired. He must have been tired because I don't remember any of the boys speaking of Dad this morning. Don't get me wrong, Gabriel was not crying as the chant began. It was a very matter-of-fact tone he used. Almost without feeling. Almost like he was just talking to be talking. Before I realized it, I was pulling in to her driveway when I finally remembered that he will repeat himself until you just acknowlege it. So I quietly matched his tone and said, "Me too, buddy." That's how it began for me.

I got to school, got busy. Things began to seem almost normal again. I went about my breakfast duty without any catastrophes. I taught my classes, I went to lunch duty. Then something happened to snap me back out of the "fog," which reminds me more of mud than fog. Two little boogers from first grade were flipping their green beans across the room in the cafeteria. No big deal, right? Just address the problem, correct it, move on. Well, you would think. One little boy went right up to the mess he'd help make and started gathering the beans from the floor. The other little boy refused, stating that he didn't want to touch them after they had been in Ethan's mouth. My surprisingly calm answer was that THAT was part of the reason he shouldn't have flipped them in the first place. I told Austin that it was no big deal. Just pick them up, sit back down, finish your lunch, and all would be well. My voice was calm. My face wasn't condemning. But something snapped in that 7-year-old's head. It was enough to snap me back from the mud...He began yelling at me and crying, flinging his arms about, wringing his hands, screaming, drawing back to hit me. I was okay with the reaction as I've seen them before, until the draw back. No child would hit me. I took him as firmly by the arm as my professionalism would let me and guided him to the side of the room behind a wall where I could still see the rest of the kids but they could not see Austin because as it would normally be, a scene like this sparked some interest. My assistance was unappreciated, however, and Austin's physical responses esculated. I was working very hard not to show anger. That didn't last long. When he had interrupted me for about the twentieth time and drawn back to hit me (never actually landing a punch) for about the fourth time, I let that boy have it. I informed him that he would go to the office after lunch (I couldn't leave the other 110 kids there alone unsupervised), he would go quietly to his place and eat his food so his brain would have enough energy to finish the day, and he would do it without complaining or talking back to me. Apparently, Austin had other intentions. This is when he informed me that he knew exactly where he lived and would be walking there promptly. He took off around the corner, and I reacted, again pulling him as firmly as my professionalism would allow (all the while thinking "Your butt needs a spanking!!!!!!"), and he was not happy. I finally got him back to his table where he shoved his tray across. I caught it before the entire thing toppled but not before some of the chicken and noodles sloshed out on to my hand and the individual portion of honey landed on top of my other hand. And that was pretty much it for me. He was still screaming about Ethan's spit being on those dang green beans, and now I was fuming. The cafeteria manager came up at this point and said I needed to get him out of here. I turned and asked, "You think?!?!" That probably wasn't the most professional thing to do at that point, but better to do that than spank that child, I suppose. I had resolved myself to the fact that he probably wasn't going to leave quietly or on his own feet. I had put my things in my pocket (that were now sticky because I had no napkins) and visualized all the possible ways to contain this child and move him out of the area. I had also resolved myself that I was going to get bruised in the process. I contemplated taking off my glasses but was afraid my blindness would hinder my way up the stairs....or should I take the ramp? All of these thoughts happened in probably 2 seconds while Austin screamed away. Anyway, Austin's teacher came in to pick up her class at about the same time. When she saw the disruption, she marched over and began escorting him. It was rough. She got him to the stairs I had contemplated when the principal just happened to come around the corner. After dismissing the rest of the classes with their teachers, I went to the office to explain the situation to my superior and wash my hands. And thus began my afternoon.

After my blood pressure returned to normal, my day joined and followed suit. My lessons went fairly well. The third graders loved playing all the instruments. The second graders loved hearing their favorite songs from the school year so far. It was turning out to be a decent day.

After school I went to a shopping party, and finished three people's Christmas gifts (already, I know!). Got some good deals.

Got in the van to return home and it set in again. I don't know when it comes, why it comes, or how I get there. But I get home and think, "Did I have a conversation with my kids or did I just ignore them all the way home? Did I take 600 all the way or cut over to 850?" By the time I got home we were in full fledged busy mode. Homework. Football game. Wait -- supper first! Etc. Etc.

After all that, I am still hazy...I find myself zoning out. When I'm around public, I don't do it. But at home, it's like I slowly, without even realizing it's happening, and sometimes over the course of several hours, I slowly and distinctly get swallowed back up in this thought world where there are no thoughts. Sometimes my brain feels like a hand that has gone to sleep...hating the current state and desperately wanting something to smack it really hard so the initial shock of the pain will just get here and get over with so things can go back to normal. So I can feel again...

So to answer your question, I don't know, Mom, where I would fly away to. Probably somewhere where I could be alone for a while with absolutely no schedule to keep, no person or thing depending on me for anything...a place where there was no stimulus. No outside. No reminders. Somewhere that it's just okay to be, well, empty. If you know where that is, let me know. I want the first ticket available.

Proof...

2007-09-25T17:37:00.000-04:00

...that there truly IS more than corn in Indiana.

This picture could never do any justice for the rainbow that literally seemed to form before my eyes this morning on the way to work. Then as I drove on, it doubled! One end appeared to be in my home town, and the other end was by my school, so I enjoyed it all the way to work this morning. I actually stopped on the road twice this morning to take the pictures I got. It was sooooo bright! It almost seemed neon in the sky! I wish this picture was a fraction of how beautiful it really was.

Random Thoughts

2007-09-22T20:53:00.000-04:00

1. So on Monday, I bought about a gallon (combined) of bubble bath for the boys. On Wednesday there was none left. Never again will I buy it. This was the last warning.

2. My dog is precious. I love him. Rotten...but precious. The best dog I've ever had, I think....besides Belle, of course!!!!!! (The twin with him is Drew. He wanted his picture taken with him the other day.)

3. I found a picture of my dad that I haven't seen in a while. It was one when he was sick. It kind of startled me. They said that I would eventually not see him first in my mind as I saw him the last few times, and I guess that has started to happen. Maybe that is a good thing.

4. I have found T & T to be pretty good friends. I mean, I knew they were...but just lately, it seems as if they haven't forgotten me. It feels good.

5. Gave my kids haircuts tonight. They're all still alive. This is a good thing. I didn't yell at them at all. I was proud of my self-control.

6. I wish I was a bird...so I could fly...far, far away....

Church

2007-09-17T21:54:00.000-04:00

1. Christians should not give the world any more ammunition against the church.
2. Christians should not be defaming, slandering, or gossiping about fellow Christians.
3. Christians should not throw fits if they don't get their way.
4. Christians should not tell all the truths they know if they can be hurtful.
5. Christians should not hurt other Christians.
6. Christians should be quick to forgive.
7. Christians should be joyful and loyal.
8. Christians should love the unlovable - not BE the unlovable.
9. Christians should not be entangled by the Deceiver's lies and trickery.
10. Christians should know better. We have the Ultimate Source of Wisdom in His Word.

Have I done these things? I'm ashamed that I have. But I can say that those things are past. God has been using some pretty sharp iron to mold me...sure, it's taken a while, and I'm no where near perfect. But I'm learning. And that's all I can do. I am so tired of the division in the church. I'm so tired of the deceit and back stabbing. I hate not knowing who to trust. I should be able to trust them all! We paint a pretty good picture for the world, huh? NO! God must look down with disgust and rage. We are a wicked people, Church.

It's time. Time to stop all the bickering and complaining. For Heaven's sake, think of SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SELF FOR A CHANGE. God not only expects it because it's a nice thing to do, He demands it!

Stop all the cowardly anonymous letters. It's ridiculous. God isn't in that. You are NOT doing the church a favor, regardless of what you think. You are DIVIDING it. You are CUTTING OFF your own arms and legs and hands. The Body cannot function this way.

I will no longer be silent if you mock my friends and lie about them. I will no longer tolerate the lies and gossip. I will no longer be hurt by your selfishness, your immaturity, your lies, and your childish fits. One way or another, God is going to reveal the truth.

Heavenly, Merciful Father,

I pray that any time I slip and sin in these ways that You will reveal it immediately to me and make it disgusting and vile to me. So horrible and wicked that I must instantly set it straight according to Your Word. I pray that when I'm the victim of these sins that You will give me the grace and humility to handle it just as Your Son did. Make me the same in the attitude of Christ Jesus. Convict me, convict my friends, convict my acquaintances, convict my enemies of these things. May I have the strength and integrity to resist the temptation to gossip and whine and complain. Make my only focus You and being Your servant. I don't want any other thing. Only You, Lord. Forgive me when I have not seen this own sin in my life. Forgive me, God. I see it now as so ugly and hateful. Control my tongue for me, God. I can't do it on my own. I want to flee from this evil. Help me to have the wisdom to know what to do in all these things. All these situations are so gross and wrong, Lord. If I find myself in the middle, may I be Your Salt and Light. Give me discernment. Give me wisdom. Give me love in my rebuke. Give me self-control. Give me patience with the ones who offend me every day. Lord, You know how tired I am. Give me strength. I wait on You. You are holy, Abba Father. Don't just be my Savior and Friend. Be my Lord. Be LORD of my life - in all things. I give all of this evil and all this hurt to you. Give me Jesus. I don't want any of the other stuff. I'm sick of letting myself get hurt by them. Help me to only hold myself to Your Standards. Men's don't count. God, keep me from EVER hurting them in my anger. Cool my anger, Lord. Where there is anger, give me self-control. Where there are tears, give me strength. Where there is doubt, give me confidence in You, God. You promise to help, and I'm counting on it. I need You, God. I love You. Always and forever, Amen.

Innocence

2007-09-11T19:55:00.001-04:00

I love Gabriel's innocence. I was scrolling on my blog, to see the hit counter....I wasn't planning on posting anything. As I scrolled, the bottom entry had the pictures of my newest tattoo on my foot. (This post will probably move it to the archives....) Anyway, as he saw the foot on the screen, he got really excited and said, "Mommy!! That foot is like you!!!" I said, "You're right. That's MY foot honey. It's a picture! I put it there." He very matter-of-factly said, "Oh." Then I scrolled back to the top, he asked (like he does every day) "Pappaw Died?" I answered it for the millionth time. He finished with "He up in Heaben?" "Yep...." It's the same question every night. He even still prays for him sometimes, asking God to take care of him. Sweet.

IN to AZ

2007-09-09T21:33:00.000-04:00

For those of you inclined to pray, I'm a single mom for the week because Chad went to Arizona - Show Low - to work with Thy Will Ministries. He's working with Apache children and doing jail ministry among other things. Pray that he will be used by God, that his walk will be strengthened, and that I won't have fewer children upon his return! :)

Breakthrough

2007-09-04T20:25:00.001-04:00

We had a great weekend away camping. I can't believe I used the words "great" and "camping" in the same sentence....but I did. It wasn't without it's ups and downs, however. But as strange as this may seem I had some good "Downs."

I started the weekend not feeling too well. So I was slightly cranky...regardless of what Chad would say, I emphasize the word slightly. When we arrived after the two hour drive to Indiana Dunes State Park, we checked in and began setting up the camp. We haven't been able to delve in to the world of pop-up (or better) so the tent has to do. We began all the tasks of unloading, instructing children, setting up tents, etc. I remember wanting to sleep. That night when we got the kids ready for bed, I didn't join the others at the fire. I actually went to sleep. That was the best night of the three I had as far as sleep went. I didn't wake up at all. The air wasn't damp (as it would be the next two nights - thus my cold now). The air was crisp and cool. Under three blankets and two layers of clothing it was just right. We all pretty much crashed that night. The next day brought the sand dunes, the breaking of my flip flops....and general crankiness. I was truly stressed because of the flip flop. What would I wear in the shower????? Luckily, before I headed to the outlet mall the next day, I borrowed one from Betsy. Yes, that's right. I said outlet mall. We graced those stores with our presence - all six of us - on Sunday.

I won't bore you with every last detail of our agenda, but I'll highlight the weekend with the fact that...
a. Luke made a friend named Josh who will be emailing back and forth. Luke's excited. Josh was 6 years old and about 20 pounds bigger than our biggest!! That's impressive considering Luke's pretty tall and big for his age. They hit it off well.
b. I had to chase down a thief. Evan's bike was stolen. Turns out that the boy had a bike just like Evan and Drew's bikes - except ours don't have kick stands...and that was the determining factor in the alleged theft.
c. Gabriel walked off the first night, but luckily we had bought all the kids LED headlights for their heads, and it was easy to see a 2.5 foot bobbing light across the campground....thanks to Michelle, also from our church, for scooping him up.
d. Drew was lost....oh, let's see...about a million times. He kept getting turned around...poor guy. Got my sense of direction! Once, some kind gentleman returned a bawling 5 year old to us asking if he was our son.
e. Camp showers with four boys in tow...an interesting and lengthy process. One that will have the people waiting on you outside the stalls laughing at you.
f. Sunday morning service...well, it deserves more than a highlight. Here goes.

Since I coordinate music for church, it was natural that the coordinator of this camping trip would ask Chad and I to coordinate/lead/prepare the worship time on Sunday morning. I chose two kid friendly songs (Trading My Sorrows, My Redeemer Lives) and two other very familiar songs (The Wonderful Cross, You Are My King) for the beginning of the service. I knew when I received my agenda for the camping weekend earlier in the week that God was going to do some heartstring tugging....the theme was James 1:12...persevering through trials. I even knew some of the people going, so when I heard they were opening the main part of the service for testimonies, I knew some of the stories I might hear. I have to admit that singing the four songs at the beginning, I was really thinking to myself that I wanted to keep level headed that morning. I was sitting behind the main "speakers" just by sheer positioning. It didn't take long. The first testimony I was okay through. The next two? Both about cancer....one was a cancer survivor, and the other was about a family member who was battling cancer right now.

I have to pause to tell you that on Saturday, I spent about 3 hours reading (total) the Bible. I started to read some in Isaiah before reading all of James, some of Psalms, and much of Genesis. (I've decided I want to read the Bible in a year...) In Isaiah, I read the 40th chapter. I have used the Message for a long time. I love the ease of reading it. As I read, I came across the end of the chapter when the author asked why we complain saying God has lost track of us. It hit me square between the eyes on Saturday afternoon. I KNOW, as I've said before, what to say. I KNOW the right answers, but making my heart feel the same is a task I've battled since my dad got sick. I've got to admit, I've felt a little like God had lost track of me. After all, I had prayed...I have believed...I have trusted...but I didn't "get" what I wanted. (And I totally know that's not what prayer is about...but again, we're dealing with emotions here. Not reality or logic or knowledge.) I literally stopped before reading on, thinking how that is REALLY what I was feeling. The passage went on to say something along these lines: Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God LASTS. Again, none of these words were knew concepts to me. But somehow it all connected.

I can't help but think about how my father lost his mom when I was one year old. I imagine he dealt with the same emotions I deal with. Will my kids remember their grandparent? What about the times when I need to ask a question? What will life be like without? Who will help when...? Why did this have to....?

I also can't help but believe that my dad's prayers were similar to what I pray now. God, help me to follow in the footsteps of my wonderful parent. Reunite me. Help me feel peace and comfort. Give me joy again...

And then I thought, after reading, that God didn't come and go on Dad. He lasted. And at the end of Dad's life, Dad got the answers to those prayers. He sees his mother like it was just moments ago that he lost her. He understands real joy and peace and comfort.

Just like Dad's God lasted for him, the SAME God that I trust and have for a very long time, will LAST for me....and for my boys....

Suddenly, sitting there in that camp ground listening to Susie tell her cancer story, wondering why she survived and Dad didn't....being asked by Matt if we believe in answered prayers and (for a split second) cringing inside before my head put my heart in its place and answered "yes" - sitting there among all those people, feeling all those emotions, I felt God start tugging. I can't remember feeling so LED to give a testimony. I had been blubbering for quite some time. Partly at what I was hearing, and mostly because of the inner battle going on. I was a mess. Here's how it went.

Me: Come on, God. Not now. I can't bare myself like this. Not now. I've done so well starting to build the walls that I've been working on for the last two months.

God: You need to let go of these words. I might just use them in someone's life. And I think it will be good for you.

Me: No one needs to hear from me. My battle isn't over. The theme of this meeting is succeeding after a long trial. This trial is just beginning.

God: Trust me.

Me: I want to, but it hurts. I hurt.

God: Michelle, trust me.

Me: I am trying to. I just don't want to be embarrassed...opened...

God: TRUST me.

I battled long enough that the time for testimonies closed. I was somewhat relieved. I took it as a brief sign that all of this was just in my head, and I didn't need to say anything. It was almost time for the closing song.

The closing song?!?! WHAT? I had totally forgotten. With tears still streaming and a clenched throat, I knew I couldn't sing. Chad asked me if I could, and too proud to admit it, I said that I could. After all, I had a few more minutes to gain composure.

It didn't take much longer before I remembered my dad walking forward just two or three Sundays before he had the first stroke and asking that God's Will be done in his life...even through the excruciating back pain he was going through. I talked with him afterward. He said that when God tells you to speak, you do it.

AUGH!!!!

So instead of starting the last song, "Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone," I looked at a friend and announced that I was too emotional to sing the last song and asked if he would do it. Right in front of everyone. He agreed, of course. And before he did, I bared my soul to 70 + people of my community. I laid it all out. I told them I felt God was asking me to speak. I told them of the battle of KNOWING what I'm supposed to feel and actually feeling it. I told them of the passage in Isaiah, read it to them, and actually went through each thought it invoked.

I remember not being able to look at anyone because they were all crying, too. Grown men and women, teenagers....many of them emotional. I just starred at the trees. The leaves were gently rustling in the warming breeze. If the people there took away anything among the open sobs and heart wrenching breakthrough I was experiencing in front of them all, I hope that they took away that GOD LASTS.

God, thank You for speaking through Your Word and through my father and through those testimonies this weekend. I want more than anything to please You. Along the way, if You see fit to use me to reach others, I would be humbled and honored. God, thank You for breaking me down (again) and allowing some of the rebuilding to take place. You ARE good all the time. Amen.

Prayer for little Bryson

2007-08-28T21:43:00.000-04:00

http://www.brysonhummel.com/7.html

I knew this family when I sang in Chorale. Nicole sang behind me in the group for a couple of years. She is a WONDERFUL singer and we were pretty good friends. Please pray.

deep breath

2007-08-27T23:06:00.000-04:00

Ok...my last post was dark, I know. I've gotten several emails checking in. Here's my standard answer: I KNOW in my HEAD that I'm going to be okay because my Father promises...I just don't always know how to tell my HEART that little tidbit of information.

4 weeks ago tonight was the last time I saw him breathing. So yeah, it's tough.

I just keep plugging away....pushing it back out of my mind until I can no longer hold it. Then I let it out. Unfortunately for you all, I've always been one to get the negatives out by putting them in to words. That's where this blog has been helpful - but probably scary from the reader's standpoint.

I'm not suicidal. I'm not cursing God. I'm not abandoning my life or my family. I'm coping. I'm doing that the best I know how. Some days I succeed and some days I fail. It's a process....and unfortunately for me, it's a process I'm fighting within my self with every breath. So that makes some moments harder than others.

I know what the right answers are. I've said that before. I know that I need to rely on God and my family and my friends. I know I have to stay active. I know I need to grieve. I know I need to blah blah blah....There's only one thing that I can do consistently and successfully right now.

I just breathe.

2007-08-27T00:41:00.001-04:00

Sometimes the grief is overwhelming
...and sometimes manageable.

Sometimes I want to scream in the cornfield behind my house
...and other times that seems so futile and insignificant.

Sometimes I want the pain to go away
...and most of the time I'm grief-stricken.

Many times tears sting my eyes fighting for a chance to release
...all the time I want him back.

I find this more and more surreal as time passes. I forget - is that possible - that he's not here. I find myself picking up the phone to CALL him. We're buying his truck for Chad. I see it in my driveway and rejoice at being able to see him...and then I'm snapped back to reality. Instantly.

I find myself not remembering what he looked like. How can that be? All I see are the images of the last 10 days. They are forever burned in my mind.

I call his house when I know Jenny's not there to listen to the answering machine. Then, feeling stupid, I hang up before leaving a message.

I'm tired of calming my children at night amidst their cries for Pappaw. I find myself angry at them for crying (but I try not to let them realize it). What kind of a mother does that make me? Pretty awful, if you ask me.

I hate when the world asks me if I'm okay, and I hate when they don't.

I despise little elementary "Daddy's angel" and "Daddy's little girl" shirts.

My head says it's normal to be sad, angry, depressed, lost - that I should not take out frustration on other people. But my heart doesn't get the memo.

I think I can't think about it. But if I don't think about it constantly I feel guilty. I make no sense.

Tomorrow is the four week mark....no it's too late for that. TODAY is the four week mark. Don't tell me that I'm four weeks closer to seeing him. I'm four weeks FARTHER from him.

I think about who was in that room. I see myself out of my body reacting to his breathing...crying out to him...clutching to him as he took his last breath - feeling so helpless and alone and scared and panicked...it's unbearable.

When I do have memories of him that aren't of the sickness, it always reverts back. I think about painting this house...oh yeah, he had cancer then amd we didn't know. I think about Christmas...oh yeah, he was GETTING cancer then. I think about him holding Gabriel on his lap...I don't know the last time he saw Gabriel or Drew or Evan, for that matter. I think it was July 1. He wasn't feeling good that day. He was in a lot of pain. I slept through most of that day. The last time I would not know he was sick - and I wasted it sleeping!

He was such a better person than I am.

I know it does no good, but I ask Why? all the time.

No answers come.

In memory...

2007-08-23T21:39:00.000-04:00

So I had planned to get a tattoo in "honor" or "memory" of my dad. It was a decision I made when the "c" word was introduced. I didn't know what I'd get at the time, I just knew that if he ended up dying that I wanted something that I would always see and remember him by. So, as time passed, the details became clearer. Chad and I went in on the day of Luke's 7th birthday to look at some designs - just to get ideas. I saw one that I immediately knew would be a part of the final product....and then I saw another. So I combined the two and went on from there. This is the original picture hanging up:

Now, if you aren't a fan of tattoos, then I'm gonna blow your mind when I say that I knew I didn't want the butterfly part because the first tattoo I got nine years ago is of a butterfly. I don't see the need for two.

The reason this one stuck out to me was because we had chosen orange lilies for his casket spray. Orange for Chicago Bears. So the accent color was a blue flower, of course. The main part of the arrangement were gerber daisies because they are "such a happy little flower." Dad liked them. I toyed with the idea of replacing the butterfly with the daisy, but decided against it in the end, thinking if I wanted the daisy, I could add it later. Better safe then sorry, right?

So the next thought was "Where?" My foot. An immediate answer came to mind. I wanted to symbolize that he had left some great footsteps to follow, and having it on my foot would remind me of the path he took and the one I should take. So I knew where, and I almost knew what.

I knew in the hospital that Isaiah 41:10 would be a part of it. It was Dad's life verse. When it came down to it, we abbreviated it to "Is. 41:10" just to be smaller and to eliminate a fraction of the pain.

I really wanted a cross, so I decided to turn the tribal vine-looking thing from the original into a tribal cross of some sorts. What color? Blue. Now the Chicago Bears were part of it. (#34 all the way! - by the way, is it a little odd that Sweetness died of liver cancer and Dad had pancreatic and liver cancer??? hm.)

After the artist got back from vacation, I went in last Thursday (8-16-07) and saw a sketch of what he thought I wanted. This is what I saw:

It was almost complete. I had instantly fallen in love with wanting to use a symbol - whether sanscrit, arabic, japanese, whatever - for the word "Father." I toyed with the idea of "Heaven," but in the end went with the former. So we set the date. August 23, 2007 at 5 PM. Now I just needed company to go.

I talked with Jenny and a few others...and all in all I had 4 people with me and 2 others text messaging me throughout the process. I ended up needing Chad and Jenny to answer the texts because I had to REALLY concentrate on not moving. I'll definitely say that of the two tattoos, this one was MUCH more painful. But Chad was right, the pain is temporary, and now I have something beautiful to think of my wonderful father all the time.

So here is the process. (And please excuse the mosquito bites....we went camping last weekend on a much-needed break with some really good friends who were pretty much exactly what I needed...and the bugs bit one part of me. My feet!! I was NOT happy, but trust me when I say that the RIGHT foot was much worse, so at least there's that.)

I chose my left foot because dad was left handed, and VERY proud of it.

First they drew it on. It's a little smeared because we had the verse reference in about 3 or 4 spots before deciding on Chad's suggestion. The small Japanese "Father" is in the largest leaf of the lily. It's very difficult to see on here.

Then came the black outline and the navy blue tribal cross. This was painful more toward the meaty part of my foot...the bonier parts were surprisingly not as bad.

Color was next - orange. This took about 3 - 5 minutes. (From start to finish it was only 30, once he got everything set.) The color actually hurt more. I remembered that from the first tattoo, so I wasn't surprised. I wonder how much of that is because they use 3 - 4 needles for color at the same time and how much of that is that you are really tender already. Here are a couple different angles of the finished product. The verse is on the right hand side as you see it here, but it can be read from in front of me. It's very small and follows the horizontal part of the cross.

I'm really happy with it. I may go back later and add a third color to accent....but I'm going to see how this is for a while. What do you think?

Big Boy Underwear!

2007-08-20T10:42:00.000-04:00

Gabriel is ALMOST there, folks!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!! And he was sooo proud! As was his mommy!

I have more to post about my weekend...but I don't have time. So it's coming. Promise.

And I'm spent.

2007-08-15T21:17:00.001-04:00

Emotional worship tonight at youth. Chad and I have been helping. Well, we committed then Dad got sick...and so tonight was the first time back. I was a wreck. I got to singing songs about receiving God's grace and being able to spend eternity with Jesus...which equals an eternity with my dad. And that's all I needed. I'm tired of crying, but I feel better now.

I'm excited about commiting to help lead worship on Sunday Morning at the Alive service. We just decided tonight to help. It will be fun. No expectations - just true worship. Every time I'm back there I feel like I'm at the THRONE of GRACE. I'm super excited about getting involved. Now if I can just get my emotions in check.

I got an email today....and I think it was interesting. The quote is from the guy who wrote "Purpose Driven Life" - Rick Warren. This quote follows with the italicized sections the parts that specifically spoke to me today...

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,"which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72. First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up fou ndations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism?

Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

hallelujah for normalcy.

2007-08-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

A. Is normalcy a word? I always use it....

B. Today wasn't as bad as the last 3 or 4. Small blessings count, too.

C. School begins for students tomorrow...I haven't exactly relished the thought...

D. It's mid-August, and my house is actually cold.....hmmm..

E. A few pictures I received today from Chad's parents while they watched the kids countless times this summer. Cute, huh?

Text message

2007-08-14T00:18:00.000-04:00

Today, I didn't mean to do it...but it happened anyway.

I had to go back to work. Last year, the normal routine was to stop by one babysitter's house and drop off Luke before going to the other sitter's house. Inadvertantly, I turned to go to the first babysitter's...but she doesn't watch Luke anymore. SO, no big deal? Just go to school via the other babysitter's house from there, right? Sure. I didn't realize until I was about 100 yards away that I was headed RIGHT for the cemetery...and Dad's site is right by the road. I haven't gone at all yet, and I didn't think I wanted the first time I saw the site since the funeral would be on my first day back to school. But it happened anyway. And the kids knew what was going on so they started asking questions.

Tears stung my eyes, but I stayed strong. Dropped off the kids, headed to school. First meeting? New superintendent. She told her life story....lost a parent to cancer as a young girl. *dagger to heart*

Next, a guest speaker (who on a side note, literally said from the stage in front of all the teachers "you can work your balls off - to bleeding!" - you could have heard a pin drop.....). What does he talk about? "4 things I learned from?" You guessed it "My dad." *dagger to heart*

I told Jenny I'd go back to work today because, after all, my school district has nothing to do with Dad. Apparently, his witness and testimony was farther reaching than I expected. I was flooded with people asking me if I was okay and extending their sympathies. I didn't really expect it. I didn't even eat lunch with anyone. I just wanted to hide.

Don't get me wrong, I realize that people are caring for me....but I just wanted to feel normal today. That didn't happen.

I had texted Chad about the drive-by at the cemetery this morning. His answer were song lyrics my dad used to sing to me....in the car, when I was sad....maybe you'll know them. At the time, the text did make me smile, just as he hoped. Now they sting. Here comes dagger #4 for the day.

I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow....

Rainy days and Sundays....well, that's not quite how the song goes

2007-08-12T18:11:00.000-04:00

For as long as I can remember of my married life, I have spent almost every single Sunday with my dad and his wife. Especially once we had kids, we spent every Sunday afternoon and evening. The routine would be: After church, we go out to eat (the more kids I got, the more often we stayed at Dad's house instead). After lunch, we go back to his house. The kids choose the blanket they want for the day from the blanket box. The kids choose a spot on the living room floor. Some sort of sports were chosen for the TV display. Within minutes, Chad is sleeping...and shortly after, most of the other adults are snoozing away as well. After naps, we played games and ate pizza - it had to be Abe's pizza. I'll admit the game playing had kind of gone by the wayside. When football season started, we all adorned our favorite Bears jersey and the card and board games subsided until after the Superbowl. Many times, we'd play Penguin Pat with the boys so we could be the Big Tuna....or My Dog Has Fleas....or Old MacDonald Had A Farm....The kids would go "swimming" in the hottub. Once they were eight months old. That was Dad's magic age. I'm not sure where he got that, but it's the standard that he used. I'd say in the entire time I have been married, there are less than 20 Sundays that we didn't go to Dad's. One weekend we didn't go was graduation because of his senior class sponsor duties on the day of graduation...that weekend was a given. Easter was also a time we usually went to the other side of family. Other than that, Sundays were reserved for time with my Dad.

I think that is why they will always be hard now. I wouldn't trade that time for the world.

I remember playing spoons with my brother and his girlfriend at the time. I was pregnant (either for Luke or for the twins - I'm thinking it was Luke) -- very pregnant. Either Jenny or I got our fourth card, so we quietly reached for the nearest spoon. Realizing one was gone the mad house began. I was sitting across from Dad and Todd. They both needed the only remaining spoon, so they went for it. As a very pregnant person, I ended up on the floor between my chair and both of them....it was rather violent - but all in good fun.

I remember Dad doing the Superbowl Shuffle last year (bad back and all) with Drew and the boys in the living room.

I heard many a referee yelled at from his spot on the loveseat.

I remember after Dad and Jenny got their HUMONGO Christmas tree with like 2 million lights (I'm not exaggerating by much) the first Sunday we went when the tree was all finished for the season. The kids and all of us ooo-ing and aw-ing. Placing our own ornament with our own names on the tree.

These are just a few of the memories that I'm terrified of forgetting.

Today, we met Jenny at Fazoli's after church. It was one of Dad's favorite places to go on Sunday if he had something he had to do in the afternoon or the Bears game started early that week. It was fast....Anyway, we met Jenny. When we walked in, Gabriel looked at her and said, "Where's Pappaw?" Jenny handled it so well...her answer was simply that he was in Heaven. I apologized because I felt the awkwardness. She chalked it up to the way things will be for him for a while. He's too little to truly understand. After all, the man in the casket didn't really even look like who he loves as Pappaw.

I know I have never gone two weeks without talking to my father. I was too close to him for that. If it had been two or three days, it was rare....especially after I graduated from college. But even while I was there, we kept in close contact. Probably more so than many kids.

Today we would have complained that our summers were over because we both would be starting school tomorrow. He would have actually called me Friday afternoon at about 3:00 and said our summer vacation was over because now we were just on a regular weekend like always. I hated being reminded....how I wished for that phone call Friday afternoon!

I think about 33 or 34 years ago today, he married my mom. I'm going to have to call her, but I don't know what to say. I'm sure she is thinking about it. How could you not?

Jenny gave me one of his Bibles....and I still have unopened cards. Sometimes I just get to the point where I can't read another one. I saw someone today that asked me if I had gotten her card. I don't remember reading it and I couldn't make myself tell her that I haven't read them all yet.

In church, we sang some songs that I couldn't think about. I was glad that I had to play and sing behind the piano today...if I would have thought about it too much, I couldn't have done it...but I kind of just went numb. We sang hymns he would have belted with the best of them. We sang a song that reduced me to tears on the stage before anyone but me and Jenny and Chad new he had cancer....I blubbered that day in front of all the congregation to see. The words echoed in my mind. "Every fear suddenly wiped away." How the word "cancer" frightened me! "Here in your presence, all things are new." I kept thinking, "Even his pancreas can be new, God!! Make it so!" That prayer was not answered here on earth. We sang another song that was sung at his funeral...I saw Jenny from over my music singing it with tears streaming down her face in the front row. Numbness...it's all I could muster. I pray God was not disappointed in me this morning...but I just couldn't go there. I just didn't have the strength.

Do you really believe he is with me? Do you really believe in these so-called "signs" people say he will leave me? Is it possible for him to see me from Heaven? Part of me wants to believe it all, but the other part is so afraid, like I've always been, of disappointing him that I hope it's not true. But the thought of him not seeing my kids as they grow up and not being beside me when I need him is completely unbearable. COMPLETELY...

Smacked in the face....

2007-08-11T20:48:00.000-04:00

Of course, it wasn't literal, but I still felt the sting. The sting of guilt, shame. All this time....I should have been learning by the example the great men of faith before me have set. Men like my Dad, my good friend K, my grandfather....men I respect quite a bit. But instead, I fell right over my wagging tongue.

I've been so angry about the things going on in my church for the past few months, and I haven't been too discerning about who I discuss it with. How dumb am I! I could have listened, I could have learned, I could have saved myself the guilt I feel. I could have led by example and shown grace, forgiveness....some of those men even TOLD me to do that. But I let my need for vengeance and justice dictate my mouth.

God, forgive me! I pray that from now on, God will give me the self-control and grace that He has shown to me.

11 days

2007-08-10T16:31:00.000-04:00

The past 11 days have been a whirlwind. Exactly this time one week ago, we were eating the funeral dinner. Exactly two weeks ago, Dad was up, sitting in his hospital room having one of the best days he had had since getting sick...well, I say "since getting sick..." even though he was sick long before we knew...

A month ago, we were being told bad news....

Two months ago, we had no clue my dad would be gone now.

Three months ago, Dad was probably out buying my birthday card....standing in the aisles of Meijer (I suppose) trying to find the perfect one to underline and sign.

Four months ago, he was finishing up Spring Break for the last time ever....and beginning the last long-stretch before graduation....It would not be long before his right hand would go numb and he wouldn't be able to button shirts well anymore.

Five months ago, he had back pain, but the doctors were dismissing it as "not too bad of arthritis. It shouldn't hurt this bad."

Six months ago, he decided he should be getting his back looked at since he was having trouble sleeping.

Seven months ago, he was uncomfortable, but he was enjoying a successful Chicago Bears season.

Eight months ago, a cell somewhere in his pancreas decided to go crazy and become cancerous. What made it do that? Why in the world did this happen?

A year ago, everything was fine...

A year from now...

?? I don't know. It is funny how when things like this happen, everything that was really important doesn't matter. I don't care if I ever teach again...I don't care if I live in Greentown for the rest of my life....These are two things I never even questioned.

I'm not sure anything will ever be fine again.

One more time!

2007-08-10T15:56:00.000-04:00

More pictures!

This is the kids the day of Dad's viewing. Luke is the tallest in the back. Gabriel is in front. Drew is on the left, and Evan is on the right.

Last night, the kids went to a friend's birthday party at the park. This particular park must be sprayed in soot and dirt each night because every child there looked like the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins when it was done. I should have taken before and after pictures....but my kids were too quick for me. When we got home, I made them strip naked in the back yard and jump in our little kiddy pool. There was NO way they were coming in the house like they were!!! So at the risk of being too revealing, I'm going to post a few shots of them last night. Our neighbors were probably thinking Great!! There the Monize kids go again! Little did they know it was with my blessing this time.

First Gabe climbing out...

Honestly, I think I have about 25 pictures from last night, but these are the only ones decent enough to post....I'm just not putting the full frontal on here....although some of those (with the facial expressions and such) are the best ones!

And here's our not so little puppy watching from afar....The lighting makes Bo's eyes look crazy, but he's not...usually.

Well, Audrey, and others, I hope you enjoyed it! :)

Because I'm waiting on laundry and naps to finish (and because SOMEone I know likes picture updates...)

2007-08-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

Enjoy...these were taken at the Ft. Wayne Zoo a few weeks ago...even though it seems like a year ago. First is one of my favorites. Luke and Gabriel are hatching from the big dino egg. I love Gabriel's hair. We call him "Spikey" when he wants this done.

There were several animals to pet. Gabriel and his brothers enjoyed the small ponies.

I was walking behind the group when I saw Drew reach down and grab his littlest brother's hand. I thought it was sweet...

My little Drummer Boy, Drew.

Not only is he a percussionist, but he's always been a ladies' man!

Evan being goofy and dressing for the safari.

Gabriel touched some kind of lizzard or newt or something...I didn't. He's braver than his mommy.

I had no idea...

2007-08-07T11:07:00.000-04:00

...how the events of this past summer would change my perspectives, change my life, change everything....i just want to sleep, but i know i can't. there are a lot of little boys depending on me, and today is the twins' birthdays - so i have some cleaning and shopping to do....no rest for the weary today...or for a long time...i start school next monday. is that possible??

Completely lazy

2007-08-06T17:00:00.001-04:00

Today I have done nothing...except about half an hour ago. I don't know whether to feel good about it or not...I know my brain needs a rest from all this, and I'm completely exhausted. But the other side of me says I have to do more in these last few days before school starts with my boys.

Aside from getting the boys' lunch (Luke got their breakfast of milk and strawberry pop tarts), I have made my bed and started a load of laundry. Oh! I also folded a load...

Tonight my brother and his family are coming over, so I have to go get a shower, at least!

So can someone tell me who has gone through this when I stop feeling two-sided about every single thought and action?

Birthday at Ivanhoes

2007-08-05T00:48:00.000-04:00

If you have been to Upland or Marion, Indiana, you probably have heard of Ivanhoe's Ice Cream. It's absolutely amazing. I think their ice cream menu has over 200 items on it that are standard dishes. And of course, you can create your own. It's by far the best ice cream experience ever....my boys got these "clown sundaes" for their birthdays. They had trick candles on them, as well...so it was hilarious, apparently to see Gabriel try to blow it out. French fries landed on the sundae!! (Even though it's not his birthday, how could i get 3 of these and not one for him!?!?!)

Some things that have worked...

2007-08-05T00:22:00.000-04:00

After the crying and sobbing of my oldest, Luke, I have learned some things that work...at least for now....even if I cry through it with him.

I promised him we'd get him a CD player for his room. For $19.95 at Walmart, Chad and I picked one up for him today. Since it was his birthday, we let him open that one, but he has to wait for his party on Tuesday to open the rest. He was thrilled. The CD player allows him to fall asleep to my dad's music cd's. He and his brothers sang for many years (all of my life and in to my 20's). They travelled all over the midwest and made it farther a few times. We'd load up the bus sometimes at 3AM to get to a church. I can remember some really good times there. In the process of all those years, the group (The Singing Nicholsons) actually made six or seven (I think) albums. They supplemented with 8 tracks early on in their career, but I remember the sweet day that they branched in to the world of cassette tapes!! :) HA! Anyway, after my uncles and dad stopped singing, my dad formed a group (of which my brother was a part for several years before moving away) called Joyful Noise. The Noise, as we like to call them - affectionately, of course - have recorded 4 (I think ) CDs. We're very fortunate. Most people don't have the luxury of hearing their loved ones after they have passed. Tonight, Luke and the other boys listened to one of the first Nicholson albums since Dad had gotten them all converted to CD a few Christmases ago for the family. It was such a great idea. I'm so glad that he did it!!! Tonight, instead of all the crying, we had smiles and peace. Thank GOD!!

Today, since my mom is still in town, she took the boys while I went birthday gift shopping for Luke, Drew, and Evan. Mom, her husband, and my grandparents decided to brave it and took them to town. She went ahead and bought them all stuffed dinosaurs (THEY LOVE DINOS!!) and then let Luke pick out a few things. He decided on a skateboard (ER visit in my future, I sense) and a new backpack for first grade. With the rest of his money, he told Mom that he wanted to get his "mommy something because she was sad," and he thought that I needed cheering up!!!! Mom replied that this was a good idea, but he needed to understand that using his money for me would mean he didn't get as much. He said it was okay. He picked out two shirts. (One of them I actually tried on when buying clothes for the funeral and viewing!!) How touching is that??!?!! I have some good kids....Chad and I must be doing something right.

In order for me to express my memory of my father, I decided when we heard the news that he only had a few days to live to get another tattoo. Chad and I went in to pick it out tonight before doing all the birthday shopping. The artist is drawing it up for me, and I should have a draft in a few days. I'll try to explain it as I envision it. There is a vine-like navy cross. In front of the cross, I will have an orange tiger lily because this was one of the flowers we chose for his casket spray of flowers. In the largest leaf of the flower, I will have the Japanese symbol for "father" and then somewhere near the vine-cross, I want Dad's favorite Bible verse: Isaiah 41:10. I may add a gerber daisy somewhere because he had those as well on his casket. He always said, according to Jenny, that they were "such a happy flower" - I think it was a line from a movie....but I can't remember. Anyway, I am really excited to see what they come up with. I will be putting the tattoo on top of my left foot. Left because Dad was a lefty, and Chad said it had to be on the left because of that. I chose my foot because my dad left some huge footprints for many to follow, and I wanted to also sybolize that he has gone before me.

So, tomorrow begins another week....just a week ago today, Dad was drinking chocolate milkshakes and joking with his brothers...it seems impossible that he is gone forever from my life. I can't imagine this. I swear I see him sometimes out of the corner of my eye, only to be disappointed. Yesterday at his funeral dinner, I sat down with my kids and thought to myself, "I wonder where Dad is sitting..." But then the cruel reality hit. How long will I think these thoughts and see glimpses of him and hear his laughter behind me? I don't know. I can't decide whether these hallucinations are a curse tormenting me in my grief or a blessing to remind me of what a loving and gracious father he was.

I love him so much....

August 4, 2000 - August 4, 2007

2007-08-04T15:28:00.001-04:00

Today, Dad's oldest grandson, Luke, turned seven. It was hard for him last night to realize that his pappaw wouldn't be there for his birthday, but we talked through it and cried together. (Drew and Evan, our twins, turn 5 on Tuesday...)

It was estimated that 1200 people joined us at Dad's visitation and/or funeral. That is truly amazing. We all thank you so much for the support and encouragement.

Dad's funeral service yesterday was indescribable. God was truly there with us. There would have been no way that Todd, Micah, Chad, and I could have done all we were able to do without the strength of the Father. I haven't worshipped like that or had so much hope in such a long time. In a way, Dad's funeral was refreshing for me. That seems so impossible by earhly standards, but when you know - without a doubt - that God has literally held you up, given you words, and provided peace, it's not so impossible any more.

It's all a little surreal. When you go to town and do something normal and then realize what you were doing that time yesterday...or a week ago...or a month ago...it comes flooding back.

One month ago today, Dad was taken to the ER for stroke-like symptoms. Who knew that our world would turn completely upside-down so quickly? God did...and looking back at the months leading up to this whole situation, I can see how God was preparing me...

Teaching me to lean less on my dad and more on my husband.

Using songs in worship to prepare me.

Teaching me to think about my own salvation and what I can do to have a deeper relationship with God.

Putting people in my path, people that would give real encouragement and be a prayer warrior for me.

Internalizing Scripture that would be crucial for my strength in this trial.

Isn't God, in His infinite wisdom, great?

Viewing is done

2007-08-03T01:04:00.000-04:00

Thank God. It was good to hear all the stories, and tiring at the same time. I'm so tired...and drained...and exhausted...and yet I have things I must do....so I better get to them.

Tonight...

2007-08-02T00:53:00.001-04:00

was difficult. The day was pretty good, but man, tonight I could have done without.

Arrangements

2007-07-31T23:51:00.000-04:00

For those who have asked via email or voice mail...

Dad's viewing will be Thursday, August 2 from 2 - 8 at my church, Jerome Christian Church, and Friday, August 3 from 10 - 11 AM. His funeral will also be at the church at 11 AM on Friday.

Directions from 31 (Kokomo) to the church:
Turn on Markland (which is also 22 and 35) like you are going to Walmart (east). Go through the light at SR 19 and through the ONE stop light in Greentown...yep, we're proud of only one light, too! :) You'll pass streets like Indiana, Hunt, and Cobalt. The next one is SR 213 and Maple Street in Greentown. Turn South (right) and go one mile to 100 S. Turn left. About a mile down the road you will come to my church. It will be on your right.

Thanks!

(click here for the obituary)

The good fight

2007-07-31T02:49:00.000-04:00

At 8:15 PM, Dad heard the words we all want to hear one day, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Dad entered the arms of the Savior peacefully. Although we will miss him terribly, we rejoice in the fact that we know he is singing with the saints....and SAVING ME A PLACE IN THE CHOIR! :)

Dad has touched countless people, and his legacy of love for Christ will live on in all of us. Learn from his example and live unashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Thank you so much for the prayers and encouragement. We will always be grateful for the blessings of the past 26 days.

Faith is the victory, Faith is the victory,
Oh glorious victory that overcomes the world!

Hard and Easy

2007-07-29T21:10:00.000-04:00

HARD FOR ME...
1. To imagine life without my Dad's laughter
2. To hear the song "It Is Well" or "Faith is the Victory"
3. To stop seeing the image of a funeral
4. To stop praying for a miracle
5. To be unselfish
6. To think of a day when I can't ask him for advice
7. To envision my children growing up without their favorite pappaw.
8. To not wonder what this all will do to further the Kingdom
9. To hear Joyful Noise sing without him
10. For this to be real in my mind
11. To not feel guilty that I forgot about it for one second
12. To not feel guilty that I want everyone to be sad
13. To not feel guilty that I'm thinking of myself when Jenny's husband is dying and my father is fighting for his life
14. To ignore the fact that unsaved men are being touched by my dad's endless witness
15. To see the big picture
16. To feel happy
17. To feel like I'm not going to be naseated for the rest of my life
18. To see people with their fathers or children with their grandfathers
19. To hear the word "death" or "die"
20. To be honest with myself sometimes

EASY FOR ME...
1. To love my dad
2. To laugh in a hospital room with family I haven't seen in a while
3. To hold my niece and kiss her cheeks
4. To allow doubt and anger to creep in...
5. To ask why
6. To feel closer to my husband than ever
7. Journalling...getting it all out
8. To listen to stories told about my dad...from stories that happened yesterday to stories of his childhood
9. To grow closer to my uncle
10. To see Jesus in my Dad's eyes - even when they are distant
11. To lose my composure
12. To wonder why it isn't someone else...after all, hasn't my family suffered enough in the past 7 years?
13. To have a short fuse
14. To cry
15. To feel lost and alone
16. To love my Jesus
17. To feel the prayers being lifted up on our behalf
18. To assure others it will be okay, even when in the quiet times I wonder how I'll get through this
19. To look on my father with love...even when he is so distant
20. To look to my Father for love...especially because He is so near

Even When

2007-07-28T19:45:00.001-04:00

Luke got to visit his grandpa and say goodbye the other night (7-26-07)....it was heart wrenching to watch, but he wanted to go. He drew a beautiful picture when he got home of him and Grandpa Bob holding hands (with Dad's hair a mess - ha!), and I hope he always remembers the time as special. (I know the picture is a little blurry...it's the only one we have of that moment. Luke was showing Dad his missing tooth.)

Yesterday (7-27-07) was a GREAT day! Dad slept better the night before and awoke at 9 AM to take a shower! After his shower, he continued to be quasi-normal! Among the small victories yesterday was the coherence. It seemed like he was with us all day, and in to the evening. He actually fed himself for lunch (mashed potatoes and peas) and dinner (Bob Evans mac and cheese and biscuits and gravy). Later, my cousin Greg brought him a McDonald's chocolate milkshake. He perked right up for that! :)

We had real conversations with him yesterday - not just him answering yes or no questions. He even told Jenny he thought the Lord was healing him.

He kept asking Jenny and me if he had missed something because we were making such a big deal about the normal, every day things like holding his own cup. He said he remembered a lot of the days before when we thought he was in a fog. I told him we were amazed because the doctor had only given him the 2 - 3 days to live. He got quiet then. I finished with, "Dad, it's the third day." He looked up and said, "I serve a great big wonderful God." I got chills...

He joked with us, and we had a great day. It gave us hope.

Today he slept most of the day. When I left at 5:30 he had only woken up to change clothes and answer a few questions all day. He hadn't had much to drink and hadn't had anything to eat. I think yesterday wore him out.

Even if he takes another turn for the worse, I will always remember yesterday and feel blessed. We prayed for a miracle, and maybe that was it....maybe there is more in store....whatever the case, God will be praised - even when I don't understand...even when I can't see His plan.

Wow

2007-07-26T17:36:00.000-04:00

I asked Jenny what to update you all about today...there is very little change. Dad asked for all of us this morning. He was "of sound mind" for a moment. It was nice. He asked Jenny if he was getting better. Her answer was great. She said she didn't know. It was up to God. If God told him to get better, then Dad needed to get better. But if God reached out His hand for Dad, she told Dad to take it because he has to do what God wants him to do.

This morning during that time, I was up tending to him, and he looked at me and sighed, "Oh sweetheart. I love you." It was beautiful...and I am so thankful for these glimpses of my dad.

He slept better last night. He seems to be more restful during the day as well. We're still waiting on God. That's all we can do. God is going to wow us - either way.

Dad - update

2007-07-25T15:52:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a trying day. Dad was uncomfortable for much of it. However, in a moment when he and I were in the room alone, he looked at me and said, "Michelle, I'm not scared." I knew he wasn't, but hearing it was a big relief. His last coherent moments yesterday were spent trying to comfort me, and I will always be grateful for that.

Last night, we had some wonderful Christian men come to Dad's bed side and pray (James 5:14). We knew Dad would want to follow God's Word to the last moments possible, so we thought we should heed the words James wrote and ask men from church to pray. It was a wonderful time of some really touching prayers. I know God heard them.

Dad is sleeping very comfortably. He has given us his best fight, and we are aware that medicine is done at this point. Science can only treat the pain. So we have had them up his medicine to keep him comfortable. We don't know if we have a few hours, a few days, a few weeks...but we know that he has left a wonderful legacy.

I'm not saying this to count God out. God is still in control, and if He feels that my Dad still has work to do, songs to sing, or people to touch for His glory on this earth, God will heal him. Nothing's too big.

But we, as a family, also know that Dad doesn't want to go on in this state or cause any pain for the family.

We are leaving it at the feet of the Savior. He'll know what to do.

The last few updates - sorry I'm behind

2007-07-24T12:08:00.000-04:00

July 21:

Last night, Dad's feet starting turning purple while he was at home. After talking to Dr. John Dean on the phone, Jenny took him in to the ER where they said he had a blood clot in his aorta. He was put on an IV blood thinner. This, to our understanding, is the last kind of thinner that they can try. His feet are no longer purple. This might mean the clot is on the move. We finally left there around 4 AM when he got a room. He is not accepting visitors except family, but he would greatly appreciate more prayer.

July 23:

These three weeks have seemed like an eternity, and at the same time just a blink of an eye. Dad still needs our prayers. He is having much difficulty at night. The pain is controlled, though, thank the Lord. They put in a picc line yesterday to make things a little easier, so we are hoping that this will help.

My mom has come home from Montana, and it is very nice to be with her right now. All of my family in one place!! :)

Please continue to pray for us and for my dad. It seems we need it a little more each day.

July 24:
Prayer Warriors, it's time once again! :)

We were told last night that Dad has just a few days or MAYBE short weeks to live. We are obviously upset, but happy to know God is in control.

Thank you to all the people who have helped. Please pray that Dad will go peacefully or - even better - that God will heal him. He said he was ready to go be with his mom last night. But then he sits up in the middle of the night and advises Todd and I to be saving money for the next 15 years! :)

We love him so dearly, but we know God loves him more and has the total picture in mind.

To leave a message for Dad or the family: www.carepages.com (search for BobNicholson - no space between words)

Tough decisions

2007-07-19T23:54:00.000-04:00

Dad got to come home (again) tonight. He is so thankful to see his new granddaughter, Grace! :) She is ADORABLE! Such a sweet 10-day-old baby!

Todd and Micah arrived safely, which is a blessing!

Dad is feeling a little better today. They have started him on a new blood thinner (again- this is like the 3rd one) and an entire regimen of pills...it could be overwhelming, but Jenny is all over it!!

The effects from the stroke are not the most comforting to see, but we are praying God will continue to help him with his face (left side) and the other lingering results.

The family had a tough meeting tonight to discuss some hard questions, but it was so great to see Dad come out of the medicine fog and be "dad" again. That, in and of itself, was probably the best thing that has happened in several days....

He continues to be in good spirits despite all the doctor's news. It's comforting to see a peace come to him. He is relentless in his praying and praising! I am learning so much from him.

Please continue to pray. He has some more difficult days ahead, but God is good....now and always. We know He will see Dad through this. Jenny is doing well, too. She continues to treat my Dad like the treasure he is! We're so thankful for her!

God bless you all!

we can't help but laugh

2007-07-18T21:22:00.001-04:00

on top of it all...the pet lobster died today! :) HA! it soooo doesn't matter!

Small victories count too! :)

2007-07-18T21:05:00.001-04:00

Praise God for the small victories! We are happy to say that at the same time the prayer meeting at church was being held tonight, my dad was told that the stuff in his brain was NOT cancer!! SO PRAYER DOES WORK!! KEEP IT COMING! They are going to change his blood thinner to cumadin and hopefully get the clotting under control. Once the clotting is controlled, he can start chemo treatments. I am overwhelmed with the amount of prayers and support we are getting! Thank you all so much!

Please pray that Todd, Micah, and Grace will arrive safely. They started the drive at about 12:30 AM and we expect them to be home in the middle of the night.

Thanks for everything!

(don't forget the carepage....it's been really uplifting! thanks to all!)

PRAYER WARRIORS NEEDED!!!

2007-07-18T00:03:00.000-04:00

PRAYER WARRIORS NEEDED
Dad was taken in after his appointment with his oncologist because they were suspecting another stroke. He had an emergency MRI done, and they found several spots in his brain. The neurologist believes them to be blood clots. Tomorrow (Wednesday) he will have a spinal tap done to determine if the spots are clots or something cancerous. The neurologist believes that they are clots, but they are making sure.

As far as the cancer goes, it has been confirmed that he has pancreatic cancer. The prognosis is not good. He has been given a 20% chance (with treatment) of surviving a year. Anything beyond that is 5%. Any chemo treatments are to improve the quality of life, and not necessarily lengthen his life. If the treatments actually lengthen his life, the doctor said we were talking about a "few short months."

Because of the suspected clots, he cannot start chemo, and he will not be able to start chemo unless the clotting goes away. If a clot moves to the part of his brain that controls breathing, he will be put on a ventilator. If he is on a ventilator, he cannot have chemo....it seems to be a no-win situation. My brother, Todd, has been called home. He is arranging travel and finalizing it tomorrow morning. We're hoping that Micah and Gracie will be able to come home as well.

I keep reminding myself that God is bigger than this and He is the Healer we can turn to. Please pray!!! UNCEASINGLY!

At this point, Dad is only taking family visits, so we are not releasing his room number, but you are welcome to leave him messages on his carepage at carepages.com (search for BobNicholson - no space between names) or send a note. WE SO APPRECIATE THE PRAYERS AND ENCOURAGEMENT!

On another note, Chad and I talked to our boys tonight about the situation. Luke is fully aware of the danger, and he is very scared, as are we. Please pray that our little boys will handle the upcoming days well. As you can imagine, it was a difficult conversation.

We are so thankful for Chad's parents and our family (church or otherwise). They have been very good and supportive. One of the last full sentences my Dad said today that I heard was to Todd. "You keep praising God, Todd, because I'm going to!" He is truly amazing....

Thanks for the prayers!
Michelle Monize

See the most beautiful girl in the world

2007-07-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

www.toddandmicah.blogspot.com

You'll fall in love! I have.

Updates on my dad

2007-07-16T10:04:00.000-04:00

If you would like to see the updates on my dad, or even sign up for emails when the site is updated, go to carepages.com. You can find my dad by searching for a BobNicholson (there is no space between first and last names). Go to www.carepages.com.

Keep praying!

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

2007-07-12T23:12:00.001-04:00

Well, we'll start with bad. Yesterday, the preliminary reports of Dad's biopsy indicate that he has pancreatic cancer. Cancer is never what you hope for, but pancreatic cancer is definitely not the cancer we would want if he had to have one....I made the MISTAKE of looking it up on webmd tonight. I had said I wouldn't but I did. Oh God help!

But God is bigger. And He's able. And He is merciful and He has a plan. Yesterday was extremely emotional, as I'm sure you can imagine.

But finally....

...some positive news....

Dad's heart cath today came back with good results. It seems the doctor believes that if the oncologist decides upon chemo for Dad, the heart will be strong enough. PTL for a small victory today.

It's funny how one day I can barely stop crying, one day I'm mad as all get out, one day I'm optimistic and trusting....

God, forgive me when I don't rely completely on You. You have our best interest in mind. If in some way, I can glorify You today through this, show me, God. I know You are good and Your love endures forever. My strength rises as I wait upon You, Lord. Give me and my family the strength and the courage to face it again in the morning. God I pray that You choose to heal my dad. Take away the pain. Take away the cancer. Take away all blood clots. God, You will be praised in all things. I trust in You because You said I can...because You said Your burden is light...because You said that You will never leave or forsake me or my dad...because You show me Your love every day...because You have blessed me beyond what I can imagine and Your Word promises that You will bless me even more...because You have never failed me....because You have delivered me from death....because You bought me with Your blood...because You show me Your power with every sunrise...because You brought Lazarus back to life....because You are too awesome for words. Jesus, I lift up Your name, and I ask that in Your name You take all of this away from my dad. Heal him with the touch of Your mighty hand. We will give You all the glory. Amen.

hurry up and wait

2007-07-10T23:28:00.001-04:00

That's all we seem to do regarding Dad lately. He had a biopsy done today..ouch! We hope to have GOOD news by the end of the week!!! PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY!

Update on my dad...and NEICE :)

2007-07-09T21:34:00.000-04:00

My dad is still in the hospital and will be there until at least Wednesday of this week.

Tuesday he will have a tissue biopsy done because the doctors have found a mass on his pancreas a little larger than a golf ball. Whatever this is has spread to his liver as well. Please pray that they will find that this is only an infection and not cancer (especially not pancreatic cancer). Since it's in the liver, the news of cancer would not be good.

Please pray for our family. Dad could really use the prayers. He will also have a heart cath some time this week. If this is cancer, the doctor wants to make sure that his heart as strong as possible.

ON THE OTHER HAND our family has a huge praise!!

Todd (my brother) and his wife, Micah, had their baby girl...I would give you the details...especially her name!! but I can't because I think they should announce it on their blog....so check it out! (But they hadn't put it on there as of today when I posted this entry.)

Thank you for your prayers for my dad and visits and offers to help!

Chad says: Of all the sucky days, this ranks right up there with one of the suckiest.

2007-07-06T22:33:00.001-04:00

My dad still could use your prayers....

He has scored some victories today. He will not need open heart surgery at this point, but will need blood thinners....that's doable.

He will have another test tomorrow to determine whether the big "c" word is involved, and to be completely honest, I am scared to death.

My dad and I are EXTREMELY close, and it's very scary to see him in this situation and be in so much pain and be so scared and emotional himself...

Please keep praying!!!!! For those of you who have emailed me, THANK YOU! Your encouraging words are exactly what I need right now.

God bless!

Milestones and Medicines

2007-07-05T18:45:00.000-04:00

Wow. The last 40 hours or so...sheesh! It's been a whirlwind, really.

So I'll set it up, spill it out, and leave it here...

A few weeks ago, I noticed when Luke came to sit on my lap at the end of a hot day that he was rather...uh...well, stinky. Not just dirty little boy stink, either. Like 7th grade pubescent nastiness. Well, I chalked it up to the temperature and the outdoor activity and moved on. A few nights later, our family had been out until dark, which here is around 10. The boys were so tired when we came in the house that Chad just told them all to go to bed and they could get baths the next day. I wasn't arguing because I was quite worn out and didn't especially relish the thought of bathing 4 kids. Luke began crying at this order from his dad and when I asked him why, he cried, "Because I stink." Trying to lighten the moment, I said, "No way! You don't stink!" And not thinking of the previous situation explained here, I lifted his arm and comically started sniffing his armpits. Much to my chagrin, he was, in fact, correct. He smelled like onions. Not wanting my 6-year-old to continue crying, I told him to go ahead and take his shower that night because he DID smell. But this time the incident didn't escape my memory as quickly. Over the next few days, I tried (from afar) to notice his aroma....and the conclusion was not good. He did, in fact, need deodorant. I talked to a friend who has two older boys and asked when her boys had started using deodorant. One of them did start using it at about the age of 7. Well, Luke turns 7 on August 4. So yesterday, after a 4th of July picnic, we were having some friends over. I decided to run to the dollar store and pick up some drinks for the evening. The house was quiet, and so I let Luke come with me, knowing the other boys were content and wouldn't throw a fit about not being able to go.

Luke and I headed to the dollar store. Instantly, he took on the personna of a much older kid. We got to the store and walked in. To the right were the shopping carts, and he automatically headed to get one. Seeing his puffed up chest, I knew he wanted to push it, but he confirmed my thought by announcing (in the grown-uppiest voice he could muster), "I think I need to push this cart." I didn't argue. We headed to get the drinks. We walked to find the deodorant next.

As we approached that section, he got a little more excited, and his step sped up slightly. We got there, and he wanted to grab every bar. I told him to slow down, and then gave him the limits. We were at the dollar store, for heaven's sake, so he could get a deodorant that was an antiperspirant as well and had a 1 or a 2 at the front of the cost. I didn't see the need for the most expensive ones...I also steered him away from the sprays because I knew the spray would last for all of about 2 minutes.

He diligently stood and took off caps, smelling each one with the long a word (antiperspirant) that was within his price range. He decided upon Speed Stick. He was soooo proud. He put all the items on the check out counter, and he bagged the items. He loaded the cart; he pushed the cart back to the van. He also loaded the bags in to the van, but before shutting the door, found the bag with the beloved deodorant and got it out to hold it on his lap. He was growing up in front of my eyes....what a milestone.

But his true age came quickly back in to focus....we went across the street to the gas station so I could get a fountain diet coke (mmm). As I got out, his friend from T-Ball had pulled up and had seen Luke, so he came running to Luke's door. When Luke saw Parker coming, he opened the door, held up his deodorant like he was the model in the commercial itself and proclaimed: "Parker! Look what I have! Deodorant! Because I STINK!" He had the biggest Chad-grin on his face I have ever seen. So proud to smell!

When we got home, I discussed how often he would have to turn the bottom dial to move the deodorant up and that it might be 4 or 5 DAYS before he would need to do so. I also showed him the right way to apply it. (Because I could see the future and know he would cake about 3 inches of deodorant on.) He practiced swiping 5 strokes under each arm, replaced the cap, put it on its shelf, and promptly sniffed under his arm.

It was quite comical.

Later that night, we had friends over. They have 4 kids like us, and they also have twins in the middle like us. We were all hanging out doing fireworks in the back yard. Chad's dad is an EMT and whenever there is an issue we need to hear about (weather-wise), he calls.

Well the sky had some pretty orange lightning to accent the fireworks, and 8 children were getting a little edgy about it. I persuaded them that we would hear sirens if something was wrong. About 5 minutes later, we heard ambulance sirens. The kids tensed up. I then explained that if something bad were to happen that Chad's dad would call. He always did.

We finished our fireworks and headed inside. We were just walking in when the phone rang. The caller ID said it was Chad's dad. So I told him it was for him, and he answered. He disappeared a minute later. He came back with my cell phone, and he said, "Check your voicemail." I asked why, and looking at my phone realized that I had missed a call from my dad. Chad didn't answer me and just kept repeating, "Check your voicemail." So I did. There were 3 messages. Two didn't matter, and then I got to the third one. It was my dad's neighbor. After she introduced herself, all I heard was "I'm calling because Jenny asked me to call" (Jenny is my stepmom) "and they are here with the ambulance to take your dad...." I hung up my phone and looked up. Without thinking of who was in the room and who would hear, I blurted out, "I have to go. I'm leaving right now." Chad hung up with his mom and dad (who had obviously called to let me know that the EMT radio had ordered an ambulance to my dad's house). He looked at me and just said, "WAIT! I'm going with you."

Now I pause to tell you that this meant a delay. I wasn't happy about the delay. He had injured his knee wrestling with our kids and the other family's dad earlier that night....he's probably hurt his MCL or maniscus.

The delay of his hobbling didn't make me happy...Luke in the meantime had heard me say I was leaving. His radar went off. He got teary and started asking "Where are you going? I want to go with you." I told him he couldn't. "Where are you going?" I paused, thinking of what I could say. Finally I answered with "I have to run some errands."

We got in the van, and we left the kids with our friends. Chad drove about 110 mph to the hospital, passing all the fireworks gawkers with flashing lights and horns. We beat Jenny to the hospital, but on the way I had talked to HER on the cell phone. She said Dad had been exercising on his eliptical machine. He always does this for 30 minutes while watching tv. Jenny was cleaning my old bedroom, which is right beside his exercising room. She heard the tv go to a channel that doesn't have programming and she heard the static. The static didn't change. She went to check to see why Dad hadn't changed the channel, but he sat slumped down in a chair unable to communicate effectively. She asked several questions and got answers like "What are you going to do?....Where did I put the front of the disk?....I have to empty the washing machine water.....Where is the hot fudge sundae?..." When she asked him her name, he looked blankly at her and said, "Honey? Swee--?" She told him to sit right there and called 911.

The next hour seemed like an eternity to me. I finally was called back with Jenny to his room in the ER. He was able to talk, but was extremely emotional. He remembers being confused and unable to find words. He is coherent now, and they have ruled out stroke and brain bleeds and heart attack. He remains in the hospital again tonight. They are running several tests.

I am so thankful that he has been cleared of some major biggies like stroke and such, but the fact that he has not been able to use his right hand since May and he has had excruciating back pain since like Christmas (I think) is scary, especially topped with last night's episode.

Please pray for him. He's probably going to be okay, but he has some real questions that need to be answered, and he's been to doctor after doctor. Hopefully he will start getting some more intense treatment so they can get to the bottom of this.

I was amazed at the amount of people that showed up in such a little time. Two men from our church, our preacher, my grandpa, two family friends of Jenny's, my uncle and his wife all came to support our family that night...even though it was really late. It was such a comfort!! I have such a deep respect for all of these people....

Thanks for your prayers. God is in control, and I have to remember that...but no doubt about it, I'm a Daddy's Girl, so last night completely rocked my world.

More from the dinner table

2007-06-30T20:23:00.000-04:00

Oh, Gabriel...

For the past few days I have really been working on recognizing colors with my 2 and a half year old. It seems as though once we go THROUGH what the colors are, he can memorize that his pants are green and my shirt is purple, etc. However BEFORE I actually tell him, he has no clue whatsoever. I really am beginning to think he might be color blind...but I know I'm just an over-worried mom, so I abandon that idea for the time being.

Tonight, we sat at the dinner table. At a quiet moment, I turned to the twins (Luke is not here at the moment - went to see "Surf's Up" with Zach) and told them NOT to answer. Since Gabriel had done slightly better yesterday afternoon, I thought he might be able to recognize a few colors. So the conversation proceeded:

Mommy: Gabriel, what color is Drew's plate? (It was green.)

Gabriel: (silent with his finger in his mouth)

Mommy: Gabriel, what color is this? It's your faaaaaavorite color!!

Gabriel: Pink!! (Twins giggle, daddy is disappointed....)

Mommy: No...your favorite color is green. What color is this plate?

Gabriel: Deen!

Mommy: Good job! Give me five! (Gabriel smacks my palm.)

Mommy: Ok. Now what color is Mommy's shirt? (He had done well with purple yesterday...let's give that a shot.)

Gabriel: um, um, um....

Mommy: What color is my shirt?

Gabriel: um..

Mommy: It's p- p-

Gabriel: Poopy!! (Twins giggle a little more...Daddy is proud again.)

After calming them down with "It's not funny" and threats, Mommy tries again...

Mommy: Ok. Gabriel, what color is my shirt? Pur- pur-

Gabriel: puwrplwe!

Mommy: Yes!! Give me five!!

Mommy: Good job! Now, what color is your plate? (The plate was shaped like Mickey Mouse and it was red.)

Gabriel: Mittey Mouse! (Twins giggle again)

Mommy: No, it is shaped like Mickey Mouse, but what color is it?

Gabriel: Mittey Mouse! (He ends with laughter knowing his answer will get a laugh from his brothers.)

Mommy: Ok. Boys, it's not funny...come on. Let's get this, Gabriel. You know this color. What color is your plate? Is it...r- r-....

Gabriel: I farted.

All was lost. NEVER a dull moment.

Movie Review: Evan Almighty

2007-06-28T21:20:00.000-04:00

Steve Carell is NOT my favorite actor. I think most of his attempts to entertain fall short because they rely too heavily on crude humor. I'm pretty split when discussing him because some times I find him quite enjoyable. Among his family-friendlier roles and better performances, are great films such as Over the Hedge and Bruce Almighty, the prequel to Evan Almighty.

However, most of what I have seen from him has not been my favorite. I'm not a fan of the Daily Show with John Stewart, which is the first time I remember seeing Carell.

Among the flops, are Little Miss Sunshine and 40 Year Old Virgin. Neither of these movies are worth the time. Virgin had one comic scene in it that was not offensive...and you saw that on the trailers, so consider the trailor the highlight reel as well. Sunshine was disgusting in that it glorified a severely disfunctional family and made a little girl dancing very provocatively "ok" in the eyes of America. I really was disappointed in these two films...beyond anything I could put on here.

His success has brought him the lead role in NBC's The Office. I've seen it a handful of times, and most of the time I do not find it humorous.

It's not all bad though. Horton Hears a Who, set to release in March of 2008, looks promising not only because I adore Dr. Seuss and love Seussical the Musical, but because the cast members include Jim Carrey (sometimes offensive, I know...but still funny), Carol Burnett, my beloved Eko (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje from the first two seasons of Lost, my favorite show...I'm still mad that Ekko left).

I used to LOVE the show "Get Smart" as a kid. I watched the reruns every chance I could get...so I will probably like the almost-have-to-be-family-friendly film version starring Carell as the lead role, Maxwell Smart.

But on to this review! Evan Almighty is absoluetly my favorite of all Carell's performances. Chad and I struggled to remember any cussing in the movie. (Jack_ _ _ and p*ssed were the most offensive words in the movie and they were only used once I believe. Beyond that, we can't remember any foul language or sexual content. It's just a good movie that reminds us that God does things and allows things because He loves us.

Wanda Sykes and Morgan Freeman deliver great performances. Wanda's straight-to-the-point humor is sometimes sprinkled, to the say the least, with cussing...but doggone it! She's funny! And Morgan Freeman has been in some great roles for films like Lean On Me, Driving Miss Daisy, Shawshank Redemption, Unforgiven, and Million Dollar Baby. He's just one of the great actors.

Jimmy Bennett as Evan's youngest son, Ryan, is adorable! (Bennett was a voice in Polar Express, a GREAT kid's movie...has been seen on Everwood, Daddy Daycare, Judgin Amy, CSI, and Hostage. He's worked with great actors like Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, and Richard Dreyfuss.)

I prefer John Goodman as a jolly good-guy, but he does a good job in this movie playing the nemesis to our contemporary Noah, Evan Baxter.

The soundtrack was pretty good as well. I found myself singing along a few times!

All in all, there were some GREAT one-liners in this movie, the humor is extremely family friendly, and the premis of the movie has good principles. I give it 4 stars!!

Okay...here's one more for good measure. I really miss Mr. Eko.

Today's Reminder: He Never Lets Go...He's NEVER Failed Me Yet

2007-06-26T20:48:00.001-04:00

One year ago today was an especially difficult day...it marked the beginning of an especially difficult six month period of time....most days I don't think about it anymore....but some days I still do...

When I remember it, I can't help but feel blessed all over again for the outcome. God has been good.

I've learned a lot in church services the past few weeks. I think without realizing it, I dealt with this situation the way I was supposed to through prayer. I've been reminded in the past two weeks at church that prayer is not a wish list of things to benefit me or my family....and when it is most often it is not answered. In reflecting back upon this particular situation in my life, I realize that although some of my prayers about it were cries out to God for deliverence, many of them were also prayers seeking God's will and asking that God be glorified through the situation.

I can say that His will has been met and He IS glorified through it. I hope that someday, a friend will need to sit down with me as I did with Sharon and I will be able to have a conversation with them that is as open, raw, and beneficial as that one was for me. I think that THEN I will be able to use the experience that I have gone through to help others....and maybe that is what God will use me for...maybe not....maybe I will be able to help my own sons or their wives because of it. I hope that He will allow me to remember it well and speak with His Words about it...

Today I read over many of the posts I wrote in that dark time of my life. One thing is clear. My PEACE came from the Lord. My HOPE came from the Lord. My BLESSING came from Him.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, "It is well. It is well with my soul."

The words still ring true...

You know...in the two biggest heart breaks of my lifetime (this situation and my parents' divorce) those words echoed inside me. I clung to them. I claim them.

But like all bad times, you can't see the good until much later...much much later in some cases. And it is now that I can see how amazing this anthem has become for me and my personal trials.

If you find yourself in the midst of one of these storms:

1. Hold fast. Help truly IS on the way. (MercyMe)

2. He IS the Everlasting God and our strength WILL rise as we wait upon Him. (Brenton Brown)

3. The more you seek Him, the more you WILL FIND Him. (Kari Jobe)

4. If you are still before Him and you truly know He is God, you will see that He never changes. He is always faithful. (Steven Curtis Chapman)

5. God is TRULY more than Enough for you. Every need is satisfied from Him. (Chris Tomlin)

6. You are NOT immune to heartache, NOT immune to temptation, rejection...but God's LOVE will HEAL your heart when you think your life is shattered and you think there's no way to be fixed again.... (Third Day)

7. He DOES do all things well. (Tomlin)

8. Grace and Peace will be yours from the Father. (Fernando Ortega and I Thess. 1:2)

9. If not for His goodness or grace, His kindness and favor, His mercy or His love you could never say you were "Still Standing." (Israel Houghton)

10. If God is with you, whom shall you fear? He WON'T let go of you. (Matt Redman)

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Chorus: (2x’s)

Today's Adventure

2007-06-26T20:39:00.000-04:00

For a church activity, I took the kids to the Fort Wayne Zoo. Despite the 90+ degrees and humidity, we had a lot of fun.

Among the favorites?

Luke: sea lion, monkeys, penguins, zebra shark
Drew: monkeys, sharks, bats
Evan: giant tortoises, alligators, bats
Gabriel: tiger, log ride
Mommy: giraffes, Austrailian carpet snake,kangaroos

Here are some pictures, thanks to Leslie! :) This is Drew in the kangaroo pouch.

Gabriel was a little shy about getting inside, so Evan joined him.

This is Luke and his friend posing for the camera.

They had a great time. If I end up with more pictures, I'll be sure to post them.

Just a little patience, ooo yeah, just a little patience...

2007-06-25T10:53:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I was a Guns and Roses fan back in the day....

I spoke too soon!! Carrots are coming!!! I was out playing with the puppy last night and he ran in to the garden. I was shoo-ing him out of it when I noticed another carrot sprout. Kendra, you were right. They just took a while. The first two were up about a week and a half ago, though, so I had given up hope....

Man the analogies between this garden and how God deals with us are endless. I'd say of all that I have learned about planting a garden, this is my favorite. It's what I spend time thinking about while I'm doing the back breaking work.... (which needs to be done again....)

When I weeded it last week, I kept thinking that this was me in that garden. When I surround myself with clean soil and water and sOnlight, I bloom and blossom and do what my Maker intended...but when I let the weeds creep back in....old habits, old friends who influence me negatively...they choke the LIFE out of me and influence me to get tangled up in their sin.

It's made me realize that I need someone to come and help me weed out my life. I think an accountability partner would do me a lot of good. I am going to pray that God will send someone and make it very clear that they would be a good partner.

...little patience, mm yeah, ooh yeah,
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... (ence, yeah)
I've been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right (Need some patience, yeah)
It's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd (Could use some patience, yeah)
And the streets don't change but maybe the name
I ain't got time for the game
'Cause I need you (Patience, yeah)
Yeah, yeah well I need you
Oh, I need you (Take some patience)
Whoa, I need you (Just a little patience is all we need)
Ooh, this ti- me....

huh. never thought g n r would be able to redirect my thoughts to some GODLY things... go figure. it's a stretch, i know...but it worked today for me....

Make that 1

2007-06-21T22:17:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I can't find my 2nd carrot...we're down to one carrot....

*sigh*

Just when the soreness had gone...

2007-06-20T15:50:00.001-04:00

I had to weed the garden. It's pretty big...and sadly, it took me 3.5 hours to weed 5 rows. This was all done while coralling 3 and then 4 boys after Gabriel woke up from his nap, while watching the dog be "trusted" on the invisible fence without a leash, while instructing kids what green bean plants and corn look like BEFORE they are actually beans and corn....we lost a few corn stalks. Gabriel was trying to help...

Even sadder, of all that we planted: broccoli, TONS of carrots, green/red/yellow/purple peppers, jalapenos, LOTS of peas, green beans, and corn....the only thing that has managed to sprout is corn and green beans...and 2 -- count them, TWO carrots. That's it. All the hard work that weekend, all the sore muscles...and for a few rows of corn and beans and 2 carrots. It's not because it hasn't been watered...it's not because we planted wrong. It could be that the soil was SOOOO extremely hard and hasn't had anything planted in it for about 10 years.

The whole point was to save us some major cash on groceries...ahh, we'll chalk it up to a learning experience, and I'll say I'm not the pasty, chalk-like white I have been for the last few summers. Even though my hands are screaming at me from pulling weeds, my back and arms are rubbery from working the hoe...tasting the sweet corn in a few weeks will make it worth it. (I hope.)

Drew looked at me while sitting on the ground, hands full of weeds, and said to me, "You said that having a garden would be fun" right before he looked down the long row of corn he was working on.

I almost answered him, but then I thought, Did I? Did I actually say that? Did I think that was true?? *sigh*

A shower will do me a world of good right now...so I'm off.

Happy Father's Day!!!

2007-06-17T19:51:00.000-04:00

We had a good Sunday...

1. Great service this morning at church! (My dad continues to amaze me at his willingness to obey the calling of the Holy Spirit.)

2. Texas Road House for lunch with Dad and Jenny. Can I just say, YUMMY???

3. Nap during a short thunder storm....is there any better way to nap?

4. Luke's best friend is home from vacation so he got to go visit Zach. He was thrilled!

5. Chocolate soft serve ice cream with Krunch Kote. I love Krunch Kote! It reminds me of Grandma R. She must have served that yummy treat when I was little because every time I have it, I think of sitting at her bar eating it from a white bowl....

6. 3 new movies from Netflix!

Luke starts basketball camp tomorrow. He's SOOOOOOO excited!

Have a great Father's Day!

Lordy! I'm in trouble!

2007-06-15T11:20:00.000-04:00

I took the boys swimming yesterday at Chad's grandparents, which is about a mile from our house. They wore themselves out. All the time I was watching them, I kept thinking, "Oooo they're gonna sleep GOOOOOOOD tonight!" It was great. I had the forethought before we left to prepare supper and put it in the refrigerator. I figured that four boys who had had a very light lunch and a very tiring afternoon in the sun would be hungry. I made their favorites: cooked carrots, cauliflower, meatloaf, strawberry/banana yogurt, and pickles. As soon as they saw me pull it out of the fridge to pop in the oven, they were ecstatic! (These are the same kids who got to pick out a salad from the deli last summer to go camping and choose BEETS and coleslaw!)

So anyway, the hour passed and the food was ready. At about 6:30 or 7 we sat down to eat. I filled each plate a little fuller than usual. They sat in silence (those of you who have ever eaten with them KNOW how amazing that is) while the scarfed down their food. It was amazing. I even asked questions...to EVAN of all kids....trying to get a conversation started. NOTHING. They all asked for seconds. I filled them all up again. That was it for Gabriel. He couldn't finish. Drew, Evan, and Luke asked for thirds. I obliged. Drew, Evan, and Luke asked for fourths. Again, I obliged, adding my "Are you SURE you can eat all that?" With four kids, we don't waste food around here! Drew and Evan politely finished their fourth plates, all but just a few bites, and I excused them. Luke asked for a FIFTH plate. At this point, I was completely astounded. I just sat in awe. At this point there were no more carrots or meatloaf. All that was left of the warm food was cauliflower. Luke ate the rest of it. I texted Chad saying I hoped he was not hungry after his softball game because there would be nothing left.

After texting that, I looked up to see Luke who had taken all the rest of his brothers' plates that were still on the table. He was finishing theirs, too! All in all, I'd say he had about 6 helpings!

Truly amazing...but BOY ARE WE IN TROUBLE...When we have four teenagers, we'll have to have our own farm to keep up.

Bad Blogger! Bad Blogger!

2007-06-14T18:59:00.000-04:00

I posted this (below) on my 3gifts.blogspot.com site, but it is not working....so later if about 50,000 identical posts show up, I am not responsible. Blogger is being very naughty....

Sun, Showers, Sleep
1. I enjoyed the sun today...and the pool we were at made it bearable!

2. I've heard we are supposed to get some thunderstorms tonight, and WE NEED THE RAIN, so if these predictions come true, my garden may survive. We've been watering a lot every day!!!

3. Have I mentioned that I LOVE sleeping in???? Yay summer!

orange shirt dude is amazing

2007-06-12T21:45:00.001-04:00

HA! I've seen it before but it doesn't get old!

2007-06-12T21:43:00.001-04:00

I LOL'ed on this one!

2007-06-12T21:02:00.001-04:00

2007-06-12T10:08:00.000-04:00

Luke caught this on a testosterone trek (shooting guns, coon hunting, fishing) with Chad and a few guys from church. He came home after midnight last night with a lot of stories!!!

*don't worry. he did not handle any guns. i would have not let him go otherwise.

OH!! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAD, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAD, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAAA-AAD! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAD! (my dad, that is. Not Chad)

One year ago today

2007-06-09T23:12:00.000-04:00

This is what was going on in my life. *click the title of post*

Sleep walking?!?!?!

2007-06-09T22:55:00.001-04:00

I heard a noise tonight at 10:00 PM. I went to check on which little guy was up...to see if they made it to the bathroom or whatever okay.... No one was walking around. I checked Drew and Evan's room. Both were sound asleep. Looked in on Luke and Gabriel. Luke was sound asleep but Gabriel was no where to be found. I went to the toy room. I went to the bathroom. I went to the living room, thinking maybe he snuck by me while I sat pooring over ebay stuff....I can't find him. I start to get worried. I go outside, call for him. Nothing. I walk all around the house...nothing. Go back inside. Still not in bed or the bathroom or the toy room. Finally decide to check my room...and this is what I find. What a little stinker!

I'm just a blogger nut tonight! 3 posts, completely different...all in one night!! You can tell school is out, huh?!?!

Holy Is The Lord

2007-06-09T21:45:00.001-04:00

Kindergarten around the world

2007-06-09T20:31:00.000-04:00

Palestine: Kindergarten Graduation. Students taught throughout their school year that they should want "Jihad" (or Holy War). These 5 and 6 year olds are taught that their greatest achievement in life is death for the sake of this cause and for the sake of Allah.

And for even more...

Greentown, Indiana: And here lies the difference. My child was taught his kindergarten curriculum in a school system that still values family, integrity, honest, good behavior, and most importantly, GOD. In this area, it's much more common to see kids singing and dancing to songs like "Love Grows" by John Farrell and "You Are My Sunshine" and possibly even "I Like Ants." My son was taught to listen and be kind. I'm so thankful for the Christian teachers and role models in this community. When I see the state standards for Kindergarten, I see no mention of death or fighting to the death. Unfortunately, there are schools starting to break down the Christian principles here in America. It's slowly effecting some school right around me, here in the Bible Belt. Until this country gets back to God, it will continue to see death and destruction and evil and corruption.

The video above made me sick to my stomach. If our political leaders or candidates cannot see these people as threats, knowing full well that they are indoctrinating small children who know no different than what their adult leaders tell them, how can we support them? This is why any person who wants to set a time line to end a war or who wants to get out of the situation altogether, etc. makes me really leary. They are training their little ones to kill and to hate. How can that not be a threat? They are asking them to kill before they have even lived a decade of life! I just can't understand it.

God, deliver these children from this influence. Give them a sense of YOUR right and YOUR wrong, even if no one ever speaks to them. Give them an instinct that protects them from this evil. Please save my own sons from any of this evil and hatred. Put in to power leaders in this country who will stand for You and for what You command. Give us the courage as Your Children to speak out and forget "political correctness." Forgive us for allowing our leaders to stray as far as they have. Help us to fight for YOU and YOUR principles. God, please, convict this nation. Convict us to the point that our path is turned around completely....help us to preserve LIFE and the RIGHT to it. Your love endures forever. Help us to embrace this love and to speak with it and rebuke with it. God, be glorified in America again. Amen.

Hi- YAAAA!

2007-06-08T23:03:00.000-04:00

As every good child of the 80s should, I had the distinct privilege of introducing my sons this evening to the wonderful world that is Karate....through this little gem of a cutie, Ralph. I remember thinking in upper elementary and junior high school that "Ralph" was such a weird name for someone so hot....I mean, come on. You can admit it. Every girl in the 80s loved the innocent underdog of the Karate Kid movies, and the soft-wrong-side-of-the-tracks-poetry-loving Johnny Cade. (Honestly, could you name a better all-star cast of that era??????) His film credits are slimming these days (seen here) but that doesn't mean he didn't make my heart go pitter patter as a young girl. Between the Karate Kids and the Rockys and Dick Van Dyke sprinkled with the occasional Disney movie, you've got my complete childhood viewing pleasures. By the way, click on the title of this post. Imagine my delight at the combination of my two favorite movie series!!

Ok, anyway...back to the whole introduction to karate. As you can imagine, my boys were hi-Ya'ing it all over the play room as we all curled up on the floor to watch it together. Each commercial brought its own flurry of fists and kicks and jumps. Evan actually looks like it comes naturally....of course, that means that I was asked about a million times if they could be in karate. I told them they could wax my van....we could hire them out to paint and sand.....It worked for Daniel-son. Why not Luke-son, Drew-son, and Evan-son?

So anyway, it's no surprise that they will probably be doing their best one-lines for a few days complete with kicks, punches, cranes, and all that goes with it.

"Wax on. Wax off."
"Paint the fence."
"You...beginner's luck."
"Either way, problem solved."
"Banzai!!"
"Don't forget to breathe, very important."
"Focus."

Well, until later, "Stay gold."

And for further proof that I spent WAY to much time online tonight and was kidn of bored....feel free to take this quick quiz.
Create your own Friend Quiz here

I'm thankful for....

2007-06-06T23:03:00.000-04:00

...you should read my post on my other site....it's short and it's all I have to say today...except that I PROMISE I'll get pictures up of the new house some times soon...really.

PICTURE UPDATE! - you're welcome, Mom.

2007-06-02T22:21:00.000-04:00

I was at the church finishing up some things for tomorrow's service. When I came home, Chad was mowing. I saw Luke, Drew, and Evan all playing in the yard, but couldn't find Gabriel....when Chad got closer I found him. Cute, but it made me uneasy for him to be asleep on a mower, so I put him in bed soon after finding them. The kids often ride there and hold on to Chad's legs while he mows. It's a treat for them....

Here is Evan doing his karate chop while eating cereal. He's a nut...truly....he got all of the craziest parts of me and Chad, so it makes life interesting! He's our "little informant." If you need to know ANYTHING that has happened, will happen, or may have happened - call on Ev.

Gabriel is in front here, and Drew is in the background. This is a normal scene at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table....goofy kids!

This is one of the first times I saw our newest addition to the family, Bo. He's mostly lab (75%) and came home to us yesterday.

And this is him just a few days ago when we brought him home for a visit...he wasn't quite ready to leave mom at this point...

Now he's all ours. Luke, my animal lover (takes after me), is in love...they ALL are....well, with everything except the poop scooping....Get used to it boys!!

Complete Exhaustion

2007-05-26T22:05:00.000-04:00

I put out a garden today. It's huge, and it's only a 1/3 of the size of the garden that is actually there. (Chad only tilled up that much and we still have a ton....) The jury is out whether we will use the other end for pumpkins, watermelons, and cucumbers. I'm hoping we do...but I am already completely exhausted and S.O.R.E.! That's not good. I can't imagine what my back, legs, and arms are going to feel like in the morning.

Chad started tilling at 10 AM. I joined him after worship practice and a trip to K-Town to get groceries and some other gardening/outdoor supplies at Lowe's. At 9:30, we sat down to eat a quick dinner, if THAT tells you anything....The kids helped (I use the term loosely, but they did pretty good for their ages) while Gabriel watched. Of course, one trip to the dollar store landed them with new water squirt guns, so we took some time for that. How I love squirting them with the hose on full blast....Needless to say, we were all FILTHY when we came in.

Chad and Luke are now off catfishing while the others are pretty much passed out in their beds. I think it took all of 5 seconds to get them asleep tonight. Speaking of passing out...Shh....do you hear that? It's my bed calling...'night.

From my "3gifts" blog

2007-05-15T21:32:00.001-04:00

1. Tomorrow marks my 31st birthday. I'm thankful for so many things in my life. I've been so reflective today. 30 years have been packed full of so many blessings....a great husband who makes me smile....4 beautiful, joyful, loving little boys, my mom and dad and brother, my grandparents....singing, one of the great loves of my life, and the ability to share God's Word and sing His praise with this voice....forgiveness......yes, even the mistakes, they have taught me so much....growing up on a bus --sheltered from the rest of the world in so many ways...Mrs. E. - if only I reached as many kids as she does....stories that include red koolaid, bee stings, and fire ants or the words, "Yes, Grandpa"....the rich Christian heritage that has been preserved for me throughout generations....sharing my faith with Dustin just yesterday....laying in the grass.....driving to Virginia just to eat all the apples and butter beans Aunt Gracie had....Aunt Gracie....she wouldn't pay no $400 for no dog, by the way.....trying haggis (ok, maybe it was the company I was with more than the delicacy)....hearing the boys giggle on a warm evening when they should be all tucked in bed...catering jobs with Grandma and Granddad....learning the hard way....my salvation....my friends....my hopes and dreams....I am blessed.

2. The innocence in a smile of a little boy whose mom almost died less than 10 days ago who runs to hug you and give you the ragged handful of weeds (eh, I mean flowers) he picked while playing outside.

3. I hear them even now, giggling to each other and making up silly songs. If I never had another single blessing in this life, they would be enough. Thank You, Father...

Odds and Ends

2007-05-08T00:20:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I posted some odds and ends, so today, I will.

1. I am completely enjoying the silence in my house right now. The only sound in fact is the clicking of the keyboard beneath my fingers. It's sooo nice. After dealing with all those 5th graders the past week, I am loving the peace.

2. I cannot believe how powerless the public school system truly is. Because a child was labeled as "EH" (emotionally handicapped), he has an I.E.P. which spells out his behavior problems and sets goals for his behavior. When he gets in trouble, he is disciplined. He gets in trouble a LOT. He gets suspended. We (the school) get sued because you can't discipline a child labeled "EH" for anything that can be connected to the I.E.P. WHAT?!?!! This kid fights and cusses and disrespects. He MUST be disciplined. How are the other kids to know it's not okay if he gets away with it? How will he learn to function? Aren't we supposed to teach them how to function past their time in the public school system? Now that we are being sued, the child knows we can't do anything to him. I was returning a class of 2nd graders to their classroom last week, and there he was...screaming at both the principal and his assistant, at the top of his lungs. Dropping F-bombs and everything else. Now every 2nd grader with me has just heard the big daddy of all cuss words repeatedly. As a parent, I'm offended and outraged. If it were my child hearing that, I would have come unglued. As a teacher, I am sickened and upset. Obviously the kid has issues, but when do we say "enough is enough? We won't subject the others to it anymore. Sue me. I won't have you tainting the innocence of the rest. Call 911. Haul him away in the hand cuffs. If I get sued, I get sued."

3. Moose tracks = heaven

4. My new favorite song: PROMISES...is it new life worship? I think so.

5. Environmentalists have really irked me this week...I realize this won't be popular but so be it. I'm not one to TRASH the EARTH. I don't think we should do things that are unnecessary or frivolous. However, ease up a little, Green Giants. We have oil in Alaska. Allow us to build a refinery without all the impossible regulations....(sure, we need regulations, but not IMPOSSIBLE ONES). If we got all the oil we needed to keep gas prices down, we couldn't refine it. The last oil refinery built in USA was in 1976...that's the year I was born!! The number of cars has probably gradrupled since then, or something like that... Of course we need more oil. There are more people and more cars. Let's build a few refineries, use some Alaskan oil, and get the prices down. Sheesh!

6. I peeked in on my kids a few minutes ago. Adorable. Simply adorable. What's better than a sleeping, peaceful child who smells like bubble bath when you open the door? You guessed it. 4 sleeping, peaceful children who smell like bubble bath when you open the door. I peeked in on Drew and Evan first. Evan sleeps in a tiny little ball. Tiny enough that some nights I have to go in and physically feel the bed to see if he's there or if his blankets are just wrinkled up. Almost every time he's there and hasn't wandered to a couch. Drew refuses to sleep under his covers because it makes the chore of making the bed more difficult. Not only does he sleep on top of the covers, which just honks Chad off, but he snores (loudly - making Pappaw Bob proud, of course) and sleeps facing the opposite direction...so his covers open up one way, but he avoids them in two ways by sleeping on top of them and by sleeping on the wrong end of the bed. Luke sleeps like me. His arms up above his head most nights. I think he finally has that wetting the bed thing under control. THANK GOODNESS. But when I peek in on Gabriel every night, no matter how much I protest or how much I instruct, he is always quietly sleeping with no covers, hugging Bear, curled up in a ball wearing his "towboy" (cowboy) jammas....wearing his "fih fohs" (flip flops). There is nothing I can do. He won't take them off. They stink horribly....He sleeps with them on at the babysitters' too.

7. I still have not finished my homework for my classes. I wanted to be done with both of them by the end of the first week in APRIL. I am no farther than I was at that time. PLEASE GOD - MOTIVATE ME.

8. For the first time in a long time, things are good...completely good. Sure, there are frustrations with my job...but as far as my life goes and life in general? I don't think I have had insecure thoughts, feelings of not being respected or appreciated, or any of those moments that plagued me for so long. It has been a LONG road, but I finally believe all may actually be well. What a relief. Those of you with a clue, thank you for praying. Don't stop, but know that your prayers and mine are being answered continually.

9. Please pray that my old "itty bitty house," as my kids call it when we drive past, will sell quickly. I'd like to have that out of my mind and out of my bank account....that would be nice.

10. It's almost 1 AM. I haven't "enjoyed the computer time" this late in quite a while....I have a big week in getting some church work done, so I better get going....

11. I know I still have pictures to post of the new house. I haven't forgotten. Have a great day!!

Quick quips

2007-05-06T20:12:00.000-04:00

Drew was recounting his list of girlfriends last night at dinner. I asked him, since he seems to always have a girl chasing him, what it was about him that made the girls like him so much. My oldest, without blinking, said this of his 4 year old brother: "It's because he smells good." (Right, Audrey?)

oh...if it were only that simple....but HEY! It's a start.

Chocolate is a great, inexpensive, and effective therapist...and you don't have to make an appointment.

Gabriel is by far my sneakiest child. His latest trick? While eating, if his fingers get messy, he will wait until Luke is not looking and ever so gently wipe his hands on Luke's back....as the meal goes on, he gets more bold and wipes just a little harder....if Luke still doesnt' get it, I've seen him go so far as to wipe his fingers off on Luke's plate and Luke's hand. Of course, it's completely naughty, but we can't help but laugh. He's so sneaky! We're going to be in trouble.....

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Drew can now ride his bike without training wheels...the unfortunate part is that he can't turn....so he crashes a lot.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

I was called a tramp by a fourth grader Friday morning at school. When I asked him if he knew what a tramp was, he answered, "How many kids you got?" I got down in his face, pointed at him and said, "Four. But they all have the same daddy." He got suspended that day.

Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Gabriel and the Clippers

2007-05-03T12:12:00.000-04:00

The clippers and Gabriel had their first meeting last night. HE LOVED IT. I was afraid he would hate it buzzing on his head, so I held the wrong end to his head and pretended to buzz it off...he was upset when he felt back there and no hair was gone. After all, the other 3 had all gotten a hair cut. He kept crying and saying, "I want hair cut!!!" (which is much cuter when you hear him say it - even with a whine....)

But here's a before:

And here's an after:

He liked his hair cut so much that when I woke him up this morning, his first words were, "I want hair cut again." Try explaining the growth habits of hair to a 2 year old....He was so proud...and I was a little sad...he grows up - they ALL grow up - too quickly.

(You should see Luke. I'll try to get a picture of him up soon. He wanted HIS hair BALD!!! I gave in, a little....but I don't like it even if he is excited about it.)

Before...

2007-04-26T16:01:00.000-04:00

You asked for it...and I have half of it. This is the before version of...

the master bedroom...

...the room we call the music/computer room...

...Luke and Gabriel's room (there is no before picture of Drew/Evan's room or the toy room)....

...the living room...(the large piece of furniture is an entertainment center that no longer exists)...

...the main bath room....

And Evan's new love... :) Named "Tuck" from the Wonderpets off of the Disney Channel.

This is Luke and a gigantic grape he ate one day! We couldn't believe how huge it was. Sorry it's probably not cool to see a picture of a grape, but it REALLY was huge.

And then, just for fun: Here is Gabriel enjoying his new throne.

I guess you'll just have to wait another month or so for me to get the "after" pictures up. :) I'm trying!! :)

Kickball

2007-04-17T21:46:00.000-04:00

I purposely am writing BEFORE watching my recorded episode of American Idol because I don't want to be depressed that Sanjaya remains....although I got a very encouraging text from Micah stating he sang pretty badly...so there's THAT good news. :)

Sunday afternoon was a little chilly....and very windy. The wind and temperature didn't stop my boys from wanting to play outside, no doubt from the glare of sunshine pouring in to the living room windows. After trying (unsuccessfully) to get the older three to take the ritualistic Sunday afternoon nap, I gave up and let them enjoy the fresh air. After all, it had been so long since the sun had graced our presence.

It wasn't long before my husband joined the troop outdoors with baseball bats and gloves in hand. I didn't notice them for a few minutes. After I finished a project I have meant to do for a while, I sat down on the couch, fully intending on cashing in on about 40 winks, as I do whenever I can on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I sat down on the couch, turned the drone of Nascar racing (thankfully) off, and leaned my head back to rest. Just over the whirring of the dryer in the other room, I heard laughter. It was enough to make me turn my head and look out between the blinds.

Then I saw Drew and Evan tumbling over each other after racing for a ball that must have been hit by their bigger brother, Luke. As they wriggled and giggled, I instanatly smiled, so thankful for the big back yard.

I continued watching the rowdiness that is my children with their father, an even bigger child at heart, if that's possible. I was overwhelmed by delight....flooded with love for all of them.....consumed by pure happiness. A happiness that I hadn't sat back and relished in for such a long time. For an instant, I felt guilty for not choosing to be this content and joyful on a daily basis. The roar of Chad's laughter at the sight of flailing little boy limbs and clumsy awkward catches snapped me back to reality.

All at once, I was determined to join. Shaking my head as I got up off the couch at the thought of passing up a quiet house ready for napping, I almost ran to my closet to grab a sweatshirt and tennis shoes.

I walked out the back door to find their game of choice changed to kickball and yelled out, "Okay. Drew, Evan, Gabriel and me against Daddy and Luke!" It was the best day I think I have ever had.

still...

2007-04-10T21:57:00.000-04:00

1. Still Sanjaya is awful.
2. Still I can't help but like Phil Stacey....I don't know why...I know he cracked a few times, but I'm a singer, and I crack sometimes...it happens...what can you do? I like him. I voted (repeatedly....) Don't tell too many people :) :)
3. Still Blake is amazing to me.
4. Still think Jordin is going to be top 2.

Wanna hear something cute???

2007-04-10T10:25:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday, my family all watched The Greatest Story Ever Told. It may not be the most accurate portrayal of the Gospel story, but it isn't too graphic and the main points are reinforced for my little ones....So after some points in the movie, I would pause the tv (you gotta love DVR) and ask the kids if they knew what this was or that was that happened. Questions like, "Do you know why Jesus died?" "What are sins?" "So when you fight and hit your brother is it a sin?" "When you disobey Mommy and Daddy is it a sin?" etc.

At one point, I had the tv paused on an image of the actor who played Peter, one of the most famous of all disciples, as well as one of the most influencial. Drew asked me, "Who's that?" I answered that it was Peter. He said, "Who's Peanut?!?!" After tha laughter subsided, I explained what I said and reminded him of the fisherman that followed Jesus. It was hilarious!

My Chains Are Gone

2007-04-09T01:29:00.000-04:00

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God my Savior
Has ransomed me
And like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending Love
Amazing Grace

....aren't you glad you are free today?....

Thanks to Chris Tomlin for the touching lyrics.

Sanjaya must go

2007-04-05T10:39:00.000-04:00

So, I knew Gina was going to have a limited stay on AI, but I didn't expect HER to be the one voted out. I thought for sure when I saw Haley, Gina, and Phil there in that group (I knew they were the bottom 3 before Ryan told us) that Phil was leaving.

America, let's use our votes a little more wisely. SANJAYA. Say it with me, "Sanjaya." That's the one to avoid. 9th graders in poe-dunk Bunker Hill, IN, have more talent in any one toe than this guy. I want to hide his drug stash and vote from every phone in the world for Melinda, Jordin, Chris, just about anyone but him.

Idol

2007-04-04T01:18:00.000-04:00

Ok. I can't take it. My silence about Sanjaya has gone long enough. As a former choir teacher of several talented young men and women, I can't imagine what AMERICA sees in this weirdo. And weirdo is the best I can do. He doesn't have a particularly bad voice. It's just not a spectacular one. He seems like he just smoked a joint backstage and is giggly but he knows he shouldn't be, so he is trying to stay as quiet as possible. I just don't get why he is still around.

Melinda, on the other hand, is amazing. I have tried not to like her in my quest for the perfect model-like-idol. She isn't beautiful but I can't deny her voice.

Tonight's top 3 (in this order): Melinda, Chris, and tie: Gina/LaKisha. (That being said, LaKisha's beginning was iffy at best, but seriously. Girl can sing...) There is something about Gina I like but I don't see her staying much longer. I think she will be lucky to make top 5.

Voted off??? My prediction: Phil Stacey. Although I hate to see a guy go with such a cool name (two very good friends of mine are Phil and Stacy E....ha!). I think he will be next to leave us, though. I do wish Sanjaya would hit the road.

I know I promised house pictures, but I could not be silent about it anymore! :) Still working on the time to get those pics on here. Won't be too much longer.

(This is the most hectic Spring Break I have EVER had....) For more (and a delightful story about Drew), go to www.3gifts.blogspot.com

Who knew?

2007-03-27T21:01:00.000-04:00

I'm a slacker and I feel so disconnected to all my blogging friends. I have been POOPED!! Thank Jesus Spring Break is next week. I hope to finish up the loose ends on the new house, get some PICTURES on here for you, work on my two continuing ed classes so I can teach next year (income = good), and catch up on sleep. THEN maybe I'll be okay. My internet is not hooked up at the new house until this coming weekend, and that is part of my problem.

Don't fear....I WILL RETURN.

Missing you all in cyberland,
Michelle

NEW HOUSE

2007-03-22T08:41:00.000-04:00

WE HAVE OFFICIALLY SLEPT IN THE NEW HOUSE!!! PICTURES COMING!!!!!!!! SATURDAY WE MOVE THE BIG STUFF (piano, washer, dryer, refrigerator....) BUT WE ARE CLOSE!!!!! :)

BIG SURPRISES

2007-03-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

www.3gifts.blogspot.com

This link will take you to my other blog...

I can't explain how incredible...

Words cannot describe what I feel for my husband. He knew exactly what to say. He knew exactly what I needed. He's amazing...

My kids

2007-03-04T22:24:00.001-05:00

Are a constant source of laughter. Seriously. If you could just live a day in my shoes....